FEATURE: SLASHER SMACKDOWN: MORE
MURDERLISING MATCH-UPS
So here we
go, the third part of a long and drawn out series investigating the phenomenon
of Versus films in the horror genre.
The first
gave us some background, the second proposed some fun match ups including Jason
Voorhees vs Victor Crowley, Pinhead vs Candyman and Freddy vs Pennywise.
In that
same spirit, here are some more fantasy fisticuffs for your delectation.
In
the immortal words of the guy from Street Fighter II this time…
FIGHT!
ASH vs THE TALLMAN
(The Evil Dead vs Phantasm)
I’ll be
honest here, I would have happily placed Ashley J Williams (Housewares) vs just
about ANY of the major horror icons. Ash (as played by the inimitable
BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE CAMPBELL) is the bumbling, loud-mouthed, big-headed hero of
the Evil Dead trilogy, going from
pretty lame sissy in the first, darker and more horrifying film, and
transforming over the second to the walking quote machine of Army of Darkness.
He walks tall, he talks loud and he carries a boomstick.
The Tallman
on the other hand is the enigmatic antagonist of the Phantasm series. A being from another dimension, he has a host of
powers and commands and army of evil followers including zombie like gravers,
shapeshifters, dwarf slaves created from the bodies of the recently deceased
and, most famously, the deadly flying spheres.
Little is
known about the Tallman as his full story has yet to be told, but it is known
that he has a plan and is slowly cutting a swathe across the United States,
leaving several small towns obliterated in his wake.
As an
interesting aside, the much anticipated Phantasm’s
End was rumoured to feature BRUUUUUUUCE CAMPBELL. It’s just a real shame
that it never came to be.
As for a
plotline that could create this match up — most of you will be familiar with
the ‘slept too long’ ending of Army of
Darkness. What if the post-apocalyptic future in which Ash awoke was the
Plague Zone of Phantasm’s End?
Imagine Ash and Phantasm stalwart
Reggie teaming up as they realise that the Necronomicon ex Mortis contains the
way to close the gateways to the Tall Man’s home world… while the Tall Man
himself realises the destruction that he could wreak if he were to seize
possession of the Book of the Dead…
VERDICT: It should seem a pretty open and shut
case this one. Ash’s key strengths seem to be, well, a decent if not great
understanding of basic science subjects, an ability to take a bloody good
hiding and, well, bravado.
The Tall
Man on the other hand has shown superhuman strength, resiliency to damage, an
ability to rise from the dead, psychic powers of illusion, a knowledge of
hugely advanced alien technology and has command of an entire inter-dimensional
army of slaves and killing machines.
But Ash
wins. Why? Because those two words will ALWAYS be the conclusion. ASH WINS.
Whether
through luck, sheer gutsy determination or maybe, maybe even skill, Ash is the
last man standing, covered in gore, extremely pissed off and probably wielding
a chainsaw. He’s the Chosen One… and I choose him.
HANNIBAL LECTER vs JOHN DOE
(Manhunter/Silence of The Lambs/Hannibal/Red
Dragon/Hannibal Rising vs Se7en)
OK, my
original choice to square up against Hannibal the Cannibal was Saw’s John Kramer. But as Jigsaw was SO
perfectly suited to The Collector (see why here) I went back to the drawing
board.
And then I
came across this idea. — John Doe, Kevin Spacey’s horrifyingly creative serial
killer from the brilliant Se7en.
I’m sure
all of you (horror fans and those who aren’t) have heard of Hannibal Lecter.
Originally a literary creation to appear in Thomas Harris’ novels Red Dragon, The Silence of The Lambs, Hannibal
and Hannibal Rising, he first
appeared on the big screen in Michael Mann’s adaptation of Red Dragon,
Manhunter. On screen for a very short amount of time, Hannibal was portrayed by
Brian Cox as a seething, simmering, psychotic. But it was another actor’s take
on the role that truly took Hannibal to the masses. There’s very little I can
say about Anthony Hopkins’ truly mesmerising performance in The Silence of the Lambs — it was strong
enough to earn him the Best Actor Oscar with just 16 minutes of screentime. He
went on to play the same character in the sequel Hannibal and the prequel,
another adaptation of Red Dragon. He
is both charming and intimidating; charismatic and terrifying. The character
has proven such a hit that a new TV show, Hannibal,
starring Mads Mikkelsen as the titular doctor has become a big hit with a
second season on the way.
Jonathan
Demme’s SotL is a thriller that blurs
the boundaries with horror and has received tremendous critical acclaim. It is
both horrifying and grittily realistic.
The same
can be said of David Fincher’s Se7en.
Following two detectives as they work to bring a serial killer whose murders
embody the bible’s seven deadly sins, Kevin Spacey’s turn as John Doe is scene
stealing.
In terms of
plot, it is certainly no great stretch to imagine that Lecter would have heard
of the work of Doe. In fact, the clearly disturbed Doe would certainly have
required counselling at some point; a role an intrigued Lecter would certainly
have relished. Doe’s ‘great work’ was punishing those that deserved punishment
— Lecter himself is full of wrath, pride and (dare I say it) even gluttony
(think about it…)
VERDICT: This would be the most cerebral of
the clashes I’ve thought of. Both men have proven shrewd and highly
intelligent, both are cunning, as displayed in the way they evade and escape
from confinement as they please. Both work to their own twisted ideals,
although, of the two, Lecter is the one most likely to do whatever is necessary
to ensure his own survival.
Doe’s
ultimate goal was to complete his work, but nobody can ever truly comprehend
what Hannibal has planned.
While Doe’s
strict and devout devotion to his twisted his cause and discipline and
determination cannot be overlooked, I feel the advantage lies with Lecter. A
shrewd and calculating player of mind games, I feel with a few well chosen
words he could soon wreak havoc in the clearly tortured psyche of John Doe.
If Doe was
lucky, Lecter may find a use for him and deploy him as a pawn as he did Francis
Dolarhyde in Red Dragon. If he was
unlucky, he’d be swallowing his own tongue and providing Hannibal with yet
another course to savour with kidney beans and a nice chianti…
SADAKO vs KAYAKO
(Ring vs Ju-On/The Grudge)
I’m a big
fan of the Asian horror boom over the last 15 years or so. I know it became a
little overexposed, but I like it, overly familiar tropes of white clad,
unkempt haired female ghosts, nonsensical twisty plots and all. So this battle
brings two of the biggest heavy hitters from J-Horror head to head – Sadako
Yamamura and Kayako Saeki.
Sadako is
the antagonist of the film that kickstarted the whole pheneomenon, Ring (I don’t do that whole Ringu thing,
it just makes my teeth itch). No, I don’t mean Samara, the little girl from the
inferior US remake, I mean the ‘star’ of the cursed video tape in the original
film, all the way back in 1998. Now, the film version of Sadako has a
complicated past, mostly revealed during the third film in the series, the
prequel, Ring 0: Birthday. Long and
short of it, she was possibly fathered by some kind of sea-dwelling
demon/deity. She possessed psychic abilities that enabled her to split into two
distinct entities, however, one a tiny, stunted malevolent thing with
incredibly dangerous powers, the others a relatively sweet girl. However, upon
her death these two entities re-merged and went on a mega killing spree that
culminated in her own ‘father’ walloping her over the head with an axe and
throwing her down a well. From here her spirit was able to possess a VHS
recorder in a hotel room built over the well and create a videotape that, upon
being viewed, left the watcher cursed to die seven days later.
Okay, I
didn’t say this story made any sense.
Kayako
Saeki’s story on the other hand is actually kind of simple (depending on which
of the THREE film series she appears in you take as canon). All three state
that she was kind of an odd girl who became besotted with a man other than her
husband. She kept creepy diaries in which she made it pretty obvious that she
was INTO this guy. Her husband Takeo discovered this diary, lost his shit,
brutally murdered her in a jealous rage, than drowned their son Toshio and the
family cat Mar. This turned Kayako into one of Japan’s white robed, messy
haired and terrifying onryo. Her first victim was to be her husband, from here
her spirit (as well as that of Toshio and Takeo) would haunt and kill anybody
that sets foot in the family home where she met her messy end.
As far as
storyline reasons for these two to clash — what if somebody were to watch the
tape AND enter the former Saeki family home? Long-haired, white robed, BAD
CREEPINESS, that’s what!
VERDICT: As both Sadako and Kayako’s powers
have never truly been explored, it’s tough to compare them. Both seem able to
kill at will. They are both able to teleport to their victims and both seem
pretty much impervious to harm. Kayako has her other ghostly minions to help
her out (in the form of Toshio, Takeo and Mar) and seems capable of possessing
her victims, as well as spiriting them away. Sadako on the other hand gets her
own hands dirty, inexorably closing in on her victims and dispatching them when
their allotted time comes.
I have a
natural bias towards Sadako — it was the discovery of Ring that opened my eyes to the joys of J-Horror. So Sadako I
choose. She’s a lot more sprightly than the malformed and badly-mangled Kayako,
plus Kayako is a vengeful ghost — if the hints in Sadako’s past are to be believed,
she could well be a demi-goddess of the ocean. Deities trump spirits in my
book. Although Sadako really needs to go digital soon, does anybody even have a
VHS recorder anymore? (That was not a question that needs answering in the
comments below…)
NORMAN BATES vs GHOSTFACE
(Psycho vs Scream)
Here we
have a true clash of the ages — the grandfather of the slasher genre versus the
cheeky young(ish) upstart. Unless you have recently woken from a 50 year coma,
I’m assuming you’ll be familiar with the tale of Norman Bates, proprietor of
the Bates Motel and all around Mummy’s boy from Hitchcock’s seminal classic Psycho. Based on Robert Bloch’s novel,
Bates has gone on to appear in three film sequels, a (dire) shot-for-shot
remake and a new and highly acclaimed TV series. Most famously portrayed by
Anthony Perkins, Bates was an eerily believable psychotic killer, influenced by
his domineering mother to such a degree that (SPOILERS!) after her death he
kept her body in his attic and would dress in her clothes and adopt her
personality to act out her vendetta against ‘bad girls’. But of course, you
know this because you haven’t spent the last half-decade beeping.
Ghostface
is the name given to those under the Edvard Munch inspired costume of poor
Sidney Prescott’s tormentor in the Scream
series. Since first appearing in the 1996 original (SPOILERS!) no fewer than
seven individuals have donned the hood and mask and gone kill-crazy around Ms
Prescott. With motives ranging from revenge to seeking fame and glory, the various
Ghostface killers have shown a pop-culture savvy M.O and exceptional cruelty
and viciousness (plus a willingness to kill the most famous actor/actress in
each instalment of the franchise!). However, despite this the iconic Ghostface
distorted voice used during his various menacing phonecalls has always been
provided by the same actor, one Roger L Jackson. Good work there fella!
As a lovely
little aside, one of the very first Ghostface killers (SPOILERS) Billy Loomis
actually quotes Norman directly in the first film with the classic line: ‘We
all go a little crazy sometimes.’
NICE.
In terms of
plot line, hell, I don’t know, some meta storyline involving the cast of Scream
deliberately heading to the Bates Motel for a creepy party. When bodies start
to pile up, the obvious culprit would be creepy Norman the manager. But what if
somebody among the group is using this cover for their own plot?
VERDICT: I’m going to have to apologise here.
I KNOW Norman is the first of the modern horror icons. I KNOW that without him
there would be no Ghostface…
BUT
Ghostface wins. Ghostface is tech savvy, has a richer and more advanced M.O.
and well, the numbers game definitely favours the white masked one(s). Pretty
much the only advantage Norman has is if they decide to have a wee shower
before getting on with the usual slashy shenanigans they love so much. Sorry
Hitchcock fans, but in this case the young upstarts walk away with the big win
over crotchety old granddad Bates.
LUBDAN THE LEPRECHAUN vs SAM
(Leprechaun vs Trick ‘r Treat)
So, so, so
tiny! The teeny terrors here may be small but this battle could be EPIC. I know
Leprechaun is awful. It’s one of
those franchises that has become a franchise for reasons I TRULY cannot
comprehend. To date, the series boasts no fewer than 6 films.
SIX.
WTF????
The series
has seen rent a small person Warwick Davis’s (you know, the one you get when
Vern Troyer is just too little) Lubdan travel from Ireland to the United States
(including, ahem, Da Hood) all the
way to OUTER SPACE. DOUBLE WTF?????
Mr D plays
Lubdan, a forest spirit summoned to protect the gold of an ancient king. When
the king died and the rest of Lubdan’s race returned to the earth, the
Leprechaun could not rest, remaining to guard his gold forever.
As if that
isn’t weird enough, there is a reboot/prequel on the way, Leprechaun: Origins starring WWE teeny tiny wrestler Hornswoggle. I
give up.
There’s
obviously an audience for these films, alas I’m not really a part of it. I will
give the character and films credit for the often insane ways in which Lubdan
deals with anyone who comes between him and his pot o’ gold. When it comes to
creativity and fun, Lubdan is the big man.
Well, um,
er, you know what I mean.
While I may
not be a massive fan of the Leprechaun films, the same cannot be said of Sam’s Trick ‘r Treat (and it’s JUST ANNOUNCED
sequel). Sam is a marvellous little creation. A child (or IS he?) in a custom
made Halloween costume, complete with a big round burlap sack mask, he crops up
enforcing the rules of Halloween, cameoing in a host of horrible tales before
his true nature is revealed in the final portmanteau story. That true nature?
Sam is
short for Samhain and the loveable little tyke is actually the demonic and
spiritual embodiment of Halloween. He may be little, but when it comes to
getting spooky, Sam packs a VERY big punch.
As for why
they’d fight? Well, the Leprechaun is notoriously greedy, refusing to part with
his gold. Would he refuse to offer treats to trick or treaters? If so, Sam
would have something to say…
VERDICT: Despite their diminutive stature,
both Lubdan and Sam are surprisingly powerful. Over the course of the Leprechaun series, Lubdan has displayed
magical powers such as teleportation, levitation, telekinesis, shape-shifting,
casting illusions and even an ability to create Leprechaun-human hybrids by
mixing his blood with that of humans. His power is seen to increase depending
on how much of his magic gold he possesses. If his magic doesn’t do the job,
Lubdan has also been shown to be a deadly opponent with frightening physical
attributes including: superhuman strength, resiliency to damage and even an
ability to reattach severed body parts.
The
pumpkin-headed Sam boasts an almost identical set of otherworldly skills and
abilities. He can disappear and reappear at will, teleport, use telekinesis and
even raise the dead to do his bidding. Physically he is seen to scuttle along
walls and ceilings in an eerie, kid-spider fashion, plus he also demonstrates
incredible strength and resiliency. Like Lubdan, he even reattaches severed
body parts when necessary.
So who
wins?
Well, call
me biased (I am, it’s fair) but I’m going with Sam. The Leprechaun is reliant
on his gold to achieve maximum power, while he has been shown to have a whole
host of weaknesses including four-leafed clovers, wrought iron and a bizarre
compulsion to clean shoes.
Besides
he’s just A forest spirit, Sam is the spiritual embodiment of a whole pagan
festival. As long as there is Halloween, there’s Sam.
And as long
as there’s Halloween, I’ll be watching Trick
‘r Treat!
Speaking of
Halloween…
MICHAEL vs LEATHERFACE
(Halloween vs The Texas Chain Saw Massacre)
Two proper
heavyweights collide right here — the star players of two huge horror
franchises, the monstrous madmen that star in quite possibly the two greatest
slasher films EVER. The reason for pairing these two in an epic confrontation
should be all too apparent – they really aren’t too far apart at all.
Michael
Myers is the William Shatner masked antagonist of Halloween. A mute, cold, psychotic human-shark, silently gliding
from kill to kill on the streets of his home of Haddonfield, Illinois.
From the
day he killed his own sister, Judith, Myers has been a terrifyingly blank slate
– no longer a human being, just a killing machine.
The
convoluted backstory of the franchise soon added a strange twist with the
druid-like Cult of Thorn.
Michael
himself was shown to bear ‘the mark of Thorn’. Thorn was believed to be a demon
that would spread destruction. To appease Thorn, a child from every tribe was
chosen to bear the curse of Thorn and sacrifice their whole family to spare the
others.
This is a
bit daft, but what the heck, at least it explained his bizarre urge to track
down sisters, nieces, second-cousins, granny’s dogs and whatever else the
writers tried to shoehorn in.
Leatherface
was the hulking masked protagonist of the Texas
Chain Saw Massacre franchise. After the local slaughterhouse closed,
Leatherface’s family (punnily named the Sawyer clan in later films in the
series), would capture and kill those passing by their Texas home, kill them
and then cannibalise their remains. In later films the family would even sell
this meat as award winning chilli.
The biggest
and toughest of his clan, although also the most childlike, Leatherface would
also fashion masks from his victims faces, which he would use to indicate his
mood. Leatherface is almost animalistic, killing when he feels threatened, when
startled or ordered to do so by his bloodthirsty kin.
While both
of these icons have starred in two of the highest-regarded horror films of all
time (both Halloween and TCM are ESSENTIAL viewing for any fan of
the genre), they have even featured in recent remakes of their defining films —
which in turn have spawned their own sequels/prequels!
As for a
plot reason for them to throwdown — maybe the Sawyer clan are forced to flee
the authorities upon the discovery of their ongoing killing spree and find
themselves seeking sanctuary in the old Myers house?
Or maybe
one Myer’s few surviving family members is abducted by the Sawyers on their way
through Texas. The Sawyers don’tgive up their food easily… but that target is
Michael’s and Michael’s alone…
VERDICT: In terms of appearance, there’s a clear
winner here. Leatherface is huge bear of a man, well over 6ft tall and heavy-set.
He proves himself capable of braining victims with a single blow and easily
brandishes a whopping great chainsaw. And lets not forget the damage that
chainsaw can do. It’s the most devastating of weapons, it can inflict tremendous
damage and even affords a decent reach to its brandisher. Taking Leatherface’s
size into account, this really adds up. Furthermore, he has his family for back
up. The numerical advantage purely lies with Leatherface.
BUT…
Leatherface
is simple. Childlike and intellectually below par. Myers has proven himself to
be calculating and unflinching in his determination. While the Sawyers are
prone to infighting, petulance and random acts of savagery, Myers is driven,
determined and unstoppable. He has the mindset of a true killer and is always
one step ahead of his victims.
While
Leatherface may appear more intimidating, Myers is still no slouch when it
comes to physicality. He has been seen to list grown men with one hand, crush
and rend flesh and bone with his fingers and lift and lower his own
considerable frame with ease. Furthermore, Leatehrface may be a huge man, but
he is just a man. Myers has shown an almost supernatural level of resiliency to
injury and harm, shrugging off several life-threatening injuries with ease.
Perhaps this is due to the Mark of Thorn and his embodiment of a walking curse
on humanity?
Finally,
the chainsaw seems a perfect weapon at first glance… but it brings its own
limitations. First, it’s noisy. It would allow Myers to locate his foe while
also covering any noise he makes as he approaches. Second, it is fuel powered.
It can stall. It needs to be revved into action. These are time consuming and
make the weapon unreliable at best. Myers only needs a tiny opportunity to
eliminate anybody or anything in his way.
In this
case, Leatherface is the one who winds up in the meat grinder while Myers
continues his relentless rampage.
THE WINCHESTERS vs THE SLENDER MAN
(Supernatural vs well, the internet)
Following
on from my slightly out-there final set-to last time around, here’s another odd
one for you to peruse.
Sam and
Dean Winchester are the unfeasibly good-looking stars of the ongoing TV series,
Supernatural. A pair of brothers who
have carried on their father’s work as a ‘hunter’, the boys travel around
America in a black 1967 Chevrolet Impala, to a classic rock soundtrack, hunting
out otherworldly and paranormal threats and killing the living crap out of
them. The rapidly spreading and expanding backstory has seen them take on everything
from ghostly urban legends, vampires and werewolves to demons, ancient deities
and angels to the truly horrifying Jefferson Starships (This blog is already
long enough without an explanation, just take my word for it). They rely on
street smarts, a handful of custom weapons and sheer gutsy determination.
Dean
(Jensen Ackles) is the rougher, more roguish of the two, Sam (Jared Padalecki)
the more sensitive one with a deeper, darker secret.
The
original showrunner described them as Han Solo and Luke Skywalker, and this
vibe completely runs throughout the series.
In short,
they’re ace and so is the show.
The Slender
Man on the other hand, could very well be the first horror icon created by the
internet. Originally appearing in a couple of doctored images on the forums for
web site, Something Awful, Slender
Man soon became an internet meme, appearing in plenty of fanart and creepypasta
stories. In time it took a major role in the damn good Marble Hornets web series, and eventually it even appeared in its
own game, Slender: The Eight Pages.
This game is a genuinely terrifying experience and comes highly recommended.
But what
exactly is The Slender Man?
While much
of its motivation and nature are unexplained (or even contradictory since so
many people have been involved in its development) its description is always
the same — tall and thin, dressed in a smart black suit, the Slender Man has a
smooth, bald, blank head, completely devoid of any facial features.
Furthermore, it has long thin arms, sometimes turning into tentacles.
It is
closely linked to forests and is usually depicted as being responsible for
individuals disappearing, particularly children. Several victims are alleged to
have become mentally disturbed while stalked by the creature, often scrawling
notes. A recurring slogan from these notes is ‘No eyes. Always watching.’
A story
bringing the Winchester brothers into conflict with the Slender man writes
itself: several children disappear and the Winchesters are called to
investigate, only to find that The Slender Man is responsible.
VERDICT: It’s very tough to quantify the
Slender Man’s powers as no two resources on it are exactly the same. It is
often shown to have the power of teleportation and a degree of hypnosis like
mind control. It is seen to toy with victims and is often presented as
otherworldly yet ancient.
It’s a
formidable foe and a legitimately scary bad guy to boot.
Now the
Winchesters are just two lads (with some handy allies over the course of the
series, most notably grizzly senior Bobby Singer, the prophet Kevin Tran and
angel Castiel). A lot has been made of the fact that both have been chosen to
play a senior role in the upcoming war between good and evil that will form the
Apocalypse, including Sam’s ‘demon blood’, but at the core of it, the boys are
just two men who stand up for what they feel is right and protect those that
need it. Probably their biggest strength is their bond with one another, the
fact that both will fight to the death (and both have died a few times!) for one
another.
As for
who’d win? Well, despite the fact that the boys may seem outmatched, they have
CONSISTENTLY come out n top. Sure, they’ve both taken their fair share of
hidings, but they always get straight back up and get on with the job at hand.
They don’t give up and they get things done. I think this gives them the edge
over the undoubtedly powerful and ancient Slender Man.
Besides the
boys have overcome Lucifer and the machinations of the entire legions of Heaven
and Hell AND lasted for a whopping NINE seasons on US TV. If that doesn’t show
staying power, I don’t know what does!
So there
you go. A somewhat belated final entry on this subject to celebrate All Hallow’s
Eve. Let me know your thoughts below — have I got it right or am I wrong wrong wrong?
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Until next time, I hope you enjoyed your stay.
