FEATURE: SLASHER SMACKDOWN: VERSUS REVISITED

FEATURE: SLASHER SMACKDOWN: VERSUS REVISITED

For those of you that read my long and rambling critique of ‘versus’ films, here’s the point where I shoot my credibility in the face and say ‘If you can’t beat them — join them.’

Here are some of the more intriguing potential horror film fistfights I could think of, complete with my own take on who would emerge victorious (you know, provided they didn’t just give us a crappy, cop out, non-finish)

In the immortal words of the guy from Mortal Kombat…

FIGHT!

Chucky vs Matt Cordell

(Child’s Play vs Maniac Cop)

I know I joked about this a couple of weeks ago in my remakes and sequel blog, but this one works! Forget about Leprechaun vs Chucky, let’s see how he throws down with the titular bad guy of the Maniac Cop trilogy.

In Maniac Cop 3 we see that Matt has problems with Voodoo practitioners and Charles Lee Ray has proven himself pretty handy in this regard, what with transferring his body to a good guy doll through a voodoo incantation. Furthermore, Chucky and Matt would have been at odds prior to the events that made them the monsters we know now – Cordell the strict, no-nonsense police officer and Chuck the wanted serial killer. It’s one of the few cases where a fight ACTUALLY makes sense!

VERDICT: Initial opinions might seem to make this a one sided affair — Cordell is a massive, hulking, undead revenge machine and Chucky is, well, a kid’s toy. And if the fight was to be in a ring as a straight forward physical tussle, the boy Lee Ray would be looking for a new vessel to inhabit faster than you can say ‘Made in Taiwan’.

But that misses the point on Chucky. He’s cruel, cunning, manipulative and (we need to bring it back to this) he’s a master of black magic.

The rather one dimensional Cordell just hasn’t got what it takes upstairs to deal with that. I make this one Chucky’s victory (even though Matt would undoubtedly rise from the grave again at a later date.) Cue Brad Dourif’s Chucky laugh.

JASON vs VICTOR

 (Friday the 13^th vs Hatchet)

 

I’ve gone for a real clash of heavyweights to get us underway, here.

Anybody who has seen the Hatchet trilogy knows that it is basically Friday the 13^th in a swamp, albeit with a more hyperactive Jason. This is just further compounded by the fact that Victor Crowley himself is played by the definitive Jason Voorhees, horror legend Kane Hodder.

A major part of this argument would come from which version of Jason we’re going for: the deformed psycho of Friday the 13^th II-IV; the undead stalker of Friday VI-VIII; the body-jumping demonic entity of Jason Goes To Hell; the nanotechnology enhanced killing machine ‘uber-Jason’ of Jason X; or the vicious, cunning woodsman of the 2009 remake. I’l answer that now – CLASSIC UNDEAD VOORHEES ALL THE WAY BABY!

A plot line wouldn’t be too necessary, Jason has shown his willingness to head further afield for his murderlising (from New York to, well, outer space) so he could easily end up in Honey Island Swamp… and we know how Vic responds to trespassers.

VERDICT: This is an odd fight. Both are ridiculously strong and equally vicious. They’ve both accrued ENORMOUS body counts and each has a dazzling array of gory, gruesome and inventive kills to their name.

Jason is more of the one hit, ‘woah, shit, didn’t see that one coming’ sudden death type, Vic more of a frenzied rabid dog who will maul and tear his victims to shreds.

The real complexity here comes from the fact that both are pretty much immortal. It seems that no matter how much pain and destruction they were able to dish out on each other (and it would be A LOT), neither could hope to keep the other down — so let’s make this a No Score Draw, shall we?

JIGSAW vs THE COLLECTOR

(Saw vs The Collector/The Collection)

As two of the emerging stars of the more recent ‘torture p0rn’ era of horror films, John Kramer (and his various accomplices) and the as-yet unnamed entomologist under The Collector’s gimp mask have a link in their creation. When writers Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunston wrote their script The Midnight Man, a studio executive read it and thought it could make a good prequel to the Saw films. Eventually the creative team behind that franchise decided against the idea, but it was enough to get the writers the gig to write Saw 4, 5 and 6. Of course with that kind of credit under their belts the guys drew quite a lot of interest from other studios, and so The Midnight Man script was polished and so became… The Collector.

So let the zany and unfeasible trap face off commence!

VERDICT: Both of these guys are sadistic. Jigsaw wants his victims to learn something from their body mutilating experience with him; the Collector just wants to make some REALLY fucked up body sculpture things from his. In a straight face off, the elderly frail cancer patient John Kramer would stand very little chance against the physically very dangerous Collector. I think Kramer’s devoted gang of apprentices and disciples could make a real difference here, but once again, The Collector’s horde of drug addled human guard dogs would probably make short work of the likes of Amanda or Jill in a straight fist (or knife) fight. Jigsaw’s ultimate successor Hoffman would make for a truly intriguing contest with the Collector as he is every bit as ruthless and makes a fine physical match for him.

Perhaps the convoluted backstory to the Saw saga makes this one a bit too tough to call, but I’m coming down on the side of Jigsaw. THE smartest horror villain outside of Hannibal Lecter, I just feel he’d have something up his sleeve to counter the Collector’s more ‘in your face’ brutality. Irrespective of who wins, I think that it’s safe to say this clash would leave A LOT of blood on the ground.

PUMPKINHEAD vs THE CREEPER

 (Pumpkinhead vs Jeepers Creepers)

 

Fuck you, I like these two so I’m going to write about them. If you’ve got a problem with that, write your own horror blog. Or, you know, put a comment below telling me why they suck.

Anyway, my primary reason for pairing these two beasties is that they are two of the least human and more demonic of our horror antagonists. For those of you who have not read my review of Pumpkinhead (to be found here), Pumpkinhead itself is the demonic embodiment of vengeance. It is a massive great monster with incredible strength, stamina and razor sharp claws. It is also a frighteningly adept hunter, able to track whoever it is summoned for to the ends of the earth.

The Creeper on the other hand is originally believed to be some kind of weird psycho, but as the first film progresses we come to see that the Creeper is in fact a monstrous being that survives by consuming body parts every 23 years to replace its own. Furthermore it has large bat-like wings and a keen sense of smell with which it tracks potential victims for the organs that it must harvest.

A plotline involving these two monsters could be surprisingly simple. By the end of Jeepers Creepers and it’s sequel, the Creeper is known to several characters, many of whom have suffered the loss of a loved one at its hands. What if one of these was to summon Pumpkinhead to avenge that bereavement?

VERDICT: This is an intriguing clash and no mistake. Physically I’d give the nod in terms of strength to Pumpkinhead. However, the Creeper’s wings definitely work to its favour. Furthermore, the Creeper has fashioned a whole host of weapons to use against its victims, including blades and ninja style shuriken — many of which are actually made from the discarded skin of bones of previous prey.

And let’s not forget the super souped-up, rickety and creepy BEATNGU truck that the Creeper has at its disposal (although quite why an ancient evil WITH WINGS needs a truck, let alone how it learned to drive, is a mystery to me!). Heavy machinery and a never give up attitude make the Creeper a real menace.

But to me, the deciding factor is the creatures’ weaknesses. The Creeper is definitely hardy, but when injured it remains injured until able to replace those parts of its body. It was even beaten down and stopped by a farmer with a truck and home-made harpoon gun. Okay, that farmer was the AWESOME Ray Wise, but this is still kind of lame.

Pumpkinhead, on the other hand, is utterly impervious to any physical harm UNLESS the person who summoned it is wounded. This symbiotic relationship is both a strength and weakness. Now provided that the people who call Pumpkinhead don’t stray too close to the fray, the Creeper CANNOT beat it. Sure it can swoop around picking its shots, but should Pumpy get his claws on, um, Creepy, it would soon turn into a severe hiding.

Besides, deep inside Pumpkinhead there is some LANCE FUCKING HENRIKSEN.

Game over, man. Game over.

PINHEAD vs CANDYMAN

 (Hellraiser vs Candyman)

 

This match up between two of the more mysterious and enigmatic supernatural entities to terrify cinemagoers has a little extra spice in that both characters were born in the imagination of one Clive Barker (so there must be a slightly better chance of this one coming off?).

If you’ve read my Hellraiser review, you know how much I love Barker’s work (and if you haven’t, here it is!). Each of these characters first appeared in films based on short stories/novellas by barker, Pinhead (or Lead Cenobite as he should really be known) in The Hellbound Heart, Candyman in The Forbidden. Both are smashing by the way, as are the films. Of course, both have changed significantly since their first appearance in print. Pinhead was female and Candyman was white and stalked Liverpool rather than Chicago’s Cabrini Green. Since then both have become icons of horror cinema, thanks in no small part to their portrayal by Doug ‘Awesome’ Bradley and Totally Top Tony Todd (T⁴ for short). And it’s these icons that should throw down.

As for plotline, well, the kind of oddballs who get their thrills playing with the Lament Configuration puzzle box are probably the same sort that think it’s cool to repeat Candyman’s name in front of a mirror. If somebody did both? Let them fight for their prize!

VERDICT: These two are tough to judge because each entry of their respective franchises seems to give them vastly differing levels of power and supernatural ability. It seems that once somebody summons Candyman, they are screwed. He is immortal, impervious to damage, boasts superhuman strength, is capable of hypnotically subduing victims, baffling them with illusions, has used telekinesis and teleportation, plus he has command over the army of bees that reside within his body. Although maybe a can of Raid could help with that last one.

Pinhead is equally, well, uberbad. He has the same physical attributes in terms of strength and resistance to damage. Again he has the teleportation and ability to summon illusions. But he has two decided advantages: first, while the man formerly known as Daniel Robitaille can summon bees, Pinhead summons hooks and chains with which to mutilate his victims. Advantage Pinhead.

Second, Pinhead is the leader of the Cenobites. Demonic denizens of Hell, the Order of the Gash are at Pinhead’s command, and each boasts slightly weaker (but still impressive) versions of Pinhead’s own powers. Furthermore, Pinhead can create more cenobites from his victims. This definitely tips the scales in his favour.

In terms of weakness, both have an Achilles heel: they must both be summoned and the inanimate object used to bring them to this world can banish them. Pinhead is ALWAYS ending up worse off due to somebody using the Lament Configuration’s powers against him, while in Candyman: Farewell To The Flesh it is revealed that Robitaille’s soul remains trapped within the mirror of his former lover. It is implied that destroying the mirror will end his reign forever. But then they made Candman 3: Day of the Dead, so that kind of pisses on that bonfire. Then they said it was paintings. Next they’ll probably say his shoes must be destroyed, or something.

So who wins? God knows. I’ll court controversy and give Candyman the nod as it seems he can never truly be destroyed while his name lives in legend, whereas Pinhead has come off second best to some right plonkers. Although if Pinhead sends the hooks, chains and that awesome Chatterer-Beast cenobite after Danny boy’s shoes I may change my opinion…

FREDDY vs PENNYWISE

 (A Nightmare on Elm Street vs Stephen King’s It)

OK, let me explain myself before you flip out. I KNOW It isn’t a ‘proper’ film and is instead a two-part miniseries/TV movie adaptation of one of King’s (THE definitive modern horror author) finest works. But Pennywise (as portrayed with chilling brilliance by Tim Curry) is one of the finest horror portrayals to hit the screen. In fact, I know grown men with clown phobias brought about ENTIRELY through exposure to Pennywise at a sensitive age! Now, as for why I’d choose to bring these two into direct conflict, well, it’s ALL about their MO. During his life, Fred Krueger tortured and murdered children, but his death didn’t end his reign of terror. Instead he forged an alliance with some rather horrible dream demons and instead gained the ability to stalk his young victims in their sleep, turning their greatest fears and insecurities against them before finally dispatching them and feeding on their tormented souls. For at least one film, Krueger was a legitimately frightening bogeyman for kids to fear, but alas he soon degenerated into the wise-cracking anti-hero of the latter films. But never forget, for a while, Freddy was NIGHTMARISH.

It, the creature behind the façade of Pennywise, was an ancient and terrifying predatory interdimensional entity (revealed to be the Todash space between realities in the novel and expanded universe of King’s Dark Tower series). It targets the children of fictional town Derry, adopting an array of terrifying forms as it adopts the shape of its young victims greatest fears (the wolf man, a mummy, abusive parents etc) before dragging them down into the sewers and feeding on them.

In terms for plotting, why would they clash? Well, both are used to being alpha-predators and both are such vile horrible bastards, there’s no way anybody could possibly like either one — including each other.

VERDICT: Both of these monsters (and they are completely monstrous) boast very similar powers. Krueger can warp the very fabric of dreamscapes at will, while powered by the terrifying Deadlights, Pennywise/It can reshape itself to overpower the minds and bodies of its victims. Both have their weaknesses — Krueger’s victims must be asleep for him to be most effective, It has less power over strong, rational adult minds. However, It has proven to be able to manipulate psychologically disturbed adults, as evident in the way it was able to use Henry Bowers as its envoy to hunt the Loser’s Club. Both are equally sadistic and vile, even down to implying a definite and disturbing sexual context to the abuse victims might expect (this is far more apparent in King’s novel than the TV movie, probably to ensure the story made it past censors!).

I suppose Krueger might stand a chance during one of Pennywise’s long hibernation periods while it slumbered (especially if he could cause It’s natural spider form to dream about a truly colossal rolled up newspaper), but really I can only see one winner. It is one of the oldest and most evil beings in existence, having been around since before our world came to be. Krueger is a man that has been granted powers by demons — It IS one of the most powerful demons to ever exist. Sorry, Elm Street fans — Pennywise walks out with the W in this one.

Plus, when it comes to scares, Clowns > than Christmas jumpers. FACT.

JACK BURTON vs STUNTMAN MIKE

 (Big Trouble In Little China vs Deathproof)

 

A fun one to finish… KURT RUSSELL VS KURT RUSSELL! In this case the wisecracking hero of John Carpenter’s EPIC Big Trouble (okay, not a horror film BUT it’s John Carpenter AND it rules, so it gets a bye!) versus the charming yet deranged and sinister antagonist of Quentin Tarantino’s Grindhouse segment Death Proof. Both of these roles show exactly why Russell has sustained his long Hollywood career.

In short – BECAUSE HE’S AWESOME.

In terms of character, Burton is the ham-fisted, brash and cocky long distance truck driver who finds himself in over his head but never stops swinging because he’s too damned pissed off to take any of this shit!

Mike is a misogynistic lunatic who drives around in his specially modified ‘death proof’ car, using the vehicle to act out his horrific rage fuelled fantasies and kill innocent young women. Plus do the occasional John Wayne impression.

Did I mention that Kurt Russell is AWESOME?

In terms of plotting, they both drive. What if one cuts the other up on a lonely desert freeway?

The answer is Car-nage, my friends. (Sorry).

VERDICT: I see this one going down as some kind of Mad Max-esque highway warfare. Both men behind the wheels of their respective vehicles, neither giving an inch as The Porkchop Express and the Death Proof car roar towards one conclusion.

Now The Death Proof car is quite the weapon here. Head on collisions do nothing to Mike while he’s safely inside his motorised murder machine.

This is probably just as well as he's proven to be nowhere near a match physically for Burton's all-action hero.

Remember Burton has been a trucker for some time, so he'd have picked up some tricks on the roads. Plus a bloody great big truck may not be death proof, but it is still a bloody great big truck.

The way I see it, Burton comes out on top, somehow dragging Mike from the sanctuary of his murderlising motor and stomping the living shit out of him on the hard shoulder. How? Well, I'm not sure, but I imagine it would be all in the reflexes.

So that's your lot, let me know your thoughts in the comments below. Perhaps you disagree? Perhaps you think I'm bang on?

Perhaps you just want to tell me how shitty you think Pumpkinhead is?

'But wait!!!!' I hear you cry. 'You've missed out loads of big names!!! What is your problem, Hickey?!?!?'

Ok, you got me. The thing is, as I started writing these match ups it kind of took on a life of its own and soon swelled to epic size (ooh-err!)... So this list will BE CONTINUED! Expect more psycho-slasher smackdown in the days ahead. Do try to contain your excitement now, you hear?

If you haven’t already, do please check out and like the Hickey’s House of Horrors Facebook page, which you can find here. It gives you a nice quick link to any new posts on this blog, plus regular news updates from around the web. I check the Internet so you don’t have to! Alternatively, follow me on twitter: The House@HickeysHorrors

Until next time, I hope you enjoyed your stay.

FEATURE: WELCOME BACK

thought was a pretty decent run on this here blog. But, provided things don’t go massively tits up, I reckon I could well be updating again quite regularly. Wouldn’t that be just swell?

And what better way to come back, than by courting controversy?

So now I’m going to fly in the face of common opinion and I’m going to reinvestigate a couple of horror properties that could do with a revisit or even a reintroduction to today’s genre fans.

So let’s get the ball rolling…

1: MANIAC COP

The misadventures of Matt Cordell are an odd thing. Those who know about the MC trilogy often speak of the films with fondness and a misty eyed nostalgia. Yet there really aren’t that many of them.

The film series did pretty well first time around. For those unfamiliar, the original 1988 film (starring none other than the legendary BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE CAMPBELL) spawned two sequels and made a decent, if not earth-shaking amount of money.

For those unfamiliar with the series, it followed police officer Matt Cordell, a tough no nonsense cop who would shoot first and ask questions… well, never, because he’d shot everybody. The twisty-turny back story revealed that Matt was framed by his superiors and sent to the notorious Sing Sing penitentiary after he came close to uncovering corruption among the upper echelons of the police force and city hall.

Needless to say, Matthew was not very popular among his fellow inmates, and despite being a great big badass (played by the great Robert Z’Dar, the man with the biggest jawbone in HISTORY), he got promptly shivved with a shank or shanked with a shiv (so, I’ve never done time! How am I meant to know???) during shower time.

Of course, this is a horror film, so he rose from near death and became consumed with a burning rage and need for vengeance. However, he also seemed to just kill lots of innocent bystanders for reasons that are never clearly explained.

Where Maniac Cop and its American police force baiting antics (several police representatives condemned the film for its portrayal of a monstrous bobby) really came into its own, was the sheer coolness of the way Cordell would dispatch victims. Not just the typical lumbering, Voorhees-esque hulk slasher, Cordell showed some dexterity and imagination. He actually used his policing skills and tools of the trade (including a really rather spiffy, if non-regulation blade inside his nightstick) from his backstory to help him stand out from the crowd. THAT’S what I’m talking about!

Best case in point: casually handcuffing a yuppy’s hands behind his back, then pushing his face into wet cement. YES!

And now the clincher… you know how Jason, Freddy, Myers et al have their own trademark musical stings? Cordell had a theme tune too!

WELCOME TO BIG SCHOOL.

Add in some plot tomfoolery involving citizens becoming terrified of the force assigned to protect them, a doomed love story (seriously) and, um, voodoo and you’ve got a rich smorgasbord to pick and choose the tastiest cuts from.

A couple of years ago it even seemed that something might be happening with the property too, as first a sequel, then a remake were rumoured, but since then all has gone VERY quiet.

I think it’s too late for a sequel, so I’m going to go the whole way and say this one is RIPE for remaking.

It’s a semi-recognisable property and today’s more gory and brutal take on slayings could really add a level of cruel darkness that a story with so many shady and amoral characters richly deserves.

Just keep the theme tune, dude. Keep the theme tune.

2: THE STRANGERS

Five years ago, when I sat down in the cinema to watch The Strangers, I didn’t expect that much. It starred Liv Tyler, already a pretty recognisable name, and seemed to have crept into cinemas. I thought I’d get a fairly creepy thriller masquerading as a terrifying horror film, kind of like Robert De Niro’s Hide and Seek.

What I got was a need to change my pants.

Such was its greatness, The Strangers pretty much kickstarted the modern trend for Home Invasion horror films (although it wasn’t first by a long stretch, it was certainly the most successful).

The film traded on tension and near heart-crushing suspense, it featured actual human characters who behaved like real people, and three of the most terrifying yet realistic antagonists I’ve ever seen.

As if that wasn’t enough, it even made folk music scary.

Yes it did.

Furthermore (and more importantly to people who value cold hard cash more highly than eerie banjo strings… um, so EVERYBODY then), it became a sleeper hit, more than doubling its budget at the box office in its opening weekend.

With that kind of performance and host of questions left unanswered (including the final fate of our leads), surely it was just a matter of time until the wheels started moving on a sequel, right?

OF COURSE!

A script was quickly knocked up (reviews can be found all over the internet and if somebody can find a link to the script online, please hit me up with it!), a director was found and then… NOTHING.

It seems that when Rogue Pictures, the company that were poised to film the sequel was purchased by Relativity Media, its new owners weren’t sure if The Strangers Part 2 was a good fit for them.

WHAT.

What kind of company isn’t sure if a project that will almost certainly make money is a good fit for them?

So there it is. A film well and truly languishing in development limbo.

Perhaps one day we’ll see The Man In The Mask, Pin-Up Girl and Dollface back terrorising more victims on the big screen. Maybe we’ll find out exactly what became of Kristen. 

Until then, the only motive we have for the chilling events of the first film is the one given by Dollface — ‘Because you were home.’

3: CHOPPING MALL

This film, right here, is something that could only have been dreamed up during the carefree, ‘we’ll make anything because we’re all coked up off our brain’ era of the 80s. It’s a concept that is so, so beautiful.

Some stupid teenagers decide to have an after-hours party in the shopping mall where they work… despite the fact that the mall now has some state-of-the-art, mechanical security robots.

WHAT.

THE.

FUDGE?

So during the raucous party that consists of several awkward looking 30 year olds trying to dance like teenagers to synth heavy electropop, then taking off their tops, lightning strikes the control centre and causes the robots to go BATSHIT and KILL EVERYBODY.

You wish this film was your brainchild, don’t you?

You do.

YOU DO.

First some background. The film was originally released to an abysmal reception under the title Killbots. When somebody came up with the puntastic new title, they hurriedly edited the film (cutting 15 minutes from it’s already slim running time), then re-released it and it did brilliantly.

Despite the fact that there is no chopping at all. The killbots don’t chop anybody.

This vexes me.

Perhaps a little irritatingly, this film has been set for a remake.

‘But that’s not irritating? In fact, that’s exactly what this whole feature is about, you great big bi-polar freak!’ I hear you cry.

And you’d be right… IF they hadn’t said that the new film will NOT feature awesome killbots and will have a supernatural menace instead.

So it’s not a remake, is it? It’s a different film set in a mall with the same title. It’s like saying: ‘We’re going to remake The Night of the Living Dead, but instead of having zombies putting a farmhouse under siege, we’re going for a giant crocodile stalking the guests in a luxury hotel!’

To make matters worse, if you’ve seen the brilliant Cabin In The Woods, the more eagle-eyed among you may have spotted a robotic menace brutally dispatching victims among the carnage of ‘the Purge’ sequence towards the film’s conclusion. This robot was a direct nod to the superb killbots of Chopping Mall fame and showed just how well today’s special effects could bring the murderous machines to life in a modern day interpretation of the film.

It’s the advances in special effects that really make this film so well-suited to a remake. Aside from one (admittedly superb) kill, Chopping Mall never really delivers on the promise of killbots murdering the crap out of people in a shopping mall. Let’s get some truly spectacular villainous robots, a more convincing cast, a little more social commentary and most of all, some actual CHOPPING out there.

Or we could just watch a film with a giant crocodile stalking the guests in a luxury hotel. That too.

4: BEHIND THE MASK: THE RISE OF LESLIE VERNON

Those of you that were around here when I last posted know that this is one of those rare occasions where we could actually see the sequel that I’m after. But for those of you that missed out on the first film (and for this I respectfully call you a STUPIDHEAD), let me enlighten you. First off you can forget Scream and The Cabin in the Woods, if you want the definitive referential, metafilm in the horror genre, Behind the Mask is the place to go.

It’s the story of a documentary team who follow the title’s Leslie Vernon as he prepares for a killing spree to make his name as legendary as horror’s real big hitters. The film is packed with references to classic titles (Halloween, Friday the 13^th and A Nightmare On Elm Street), plus a loving look at the tropes of the genre.

It combined a smart script, lovely touches to explain the usual nonsensical goings-on of horror films and, most importantly, a damn scary final act. As the final credits rolled (and even these featured an excellent horror cliché done well) Leslie looked all set to launch a franchise like those same icons he was so inspired by.

But chuff all happened.

Perhaps this is because the people that made the film had no more story to tell?

Balls, they didn’t.

They have written a script and secured a cast and crew.

The problem, it would seem, is financing. SIGH.

Once again, some complete moron somewhere isn’t sure that this film could do well enough to warrant a pretty tiny investment.

Yet even this hasn’t swayed the film’s makers. They want to make this film so much, they even looked at raising the production costs themselves.

Last year I linked to the film’s kickstarter page, where a donation would reward supporters with a range of rewards, from having your name in the film’s end credits to an exclusive edition of the DVD to even appearing in the film!

Alas, the kickstarter campaign failed to raise the requisite level of funding, but the makers are still scraping together financial backing and seem determined to get this thing made. Before the Mask (as the film has been titled) has its own Facebook page.

Interestingly, the creators refer to the film as a ‘spreemake’, saying it is kind of a prequel, sequel and reboot combined. This is something I need to see made. Luckily, much like the murderous Leslie, it seems that nothing can keep Before the Mask down.

Here’s hoping, but until then, focus on your cardio. Leslie would approve. 

5: THE BURNING

Now I could give you the rundown on the plot of this film, but instead I’m going to shamelessly pop the link to my review of this 80s slasher classic right HERE.

The Burning is one of the veritable AVALANCHE of Friday the 13^th clones that flooded video shops in the 80s. It gained some notoriety for getting caught up in the ‘video nasty’ furore due to its gruesome ‘raft massacre’ sequence.

It’s cheap, silly, gory, the cast mainly consists of people with bull’s-eyes painted on their heads, the music is horribly dated and the baddy is a true cinema boogeyman. And that is about all it has going for it.

Which is why I think a remake could be such a great idea. It is already semi-recognisable, it has a selling point (from a story so extreme it was banned for years!) and, well, here’s the kicker — the first film was pretty silly so why not embrace that? Here’s my take.

Set the film in the 80s. LOAD it with self referential tongue in cheek humour like the Piranha remake released three years ago (or better yet, go full-on Grindhouse with it, deliberately making as schlocky a film as possible). I want something that gels with Hobo With A Shotgun here. (This is what the world needs — more films that gel with Hobo With A Shotgun and pizzaburgers. Yes please.)

I’m talking gratuitous nudity, a bit of fun poked at 80s fashions and technology, a whole host of well-crafted one liners and a version of the demonic Cropsy that todays effects can bring to life. Think a cross between The Hills Have Eyes/Wrong Turn’s inbred wildmen crossed with some truly horrific burns a la the Dark Knight’s Two-Face or the Elm Street remake’s new-look Freddy. With shears.

It could be the BEST beer film for a group of lads to have fun with or for groups of teens to both squeal with laughter or terror.

Let’s just try not to cast any RnB singers or rappers in this. We know what happens when they get involved in horror films.

Well, unless Snoop Dogg wants to play the Superfly Pimpin’ Shaft MD orderly at the beginning. He’d OWN that.

6: PHANTASM

Right, put your shotgun/chainsaw/killer orb down and hear me out here.

First, I am not suggesting that we remake this legit horror classic. Hell no. Not in the slightest.

That would be like remaking Halloween, My Bloody Valentine, The Hills Have Eyes, Black Christmas, Friday the 13^th, The Last House On The Left, Dawn of the Dead, The Haunting, The Fog, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Amityville Horror, The Evil Dead or The Omen!

Oh.

No, what I’m suggesting is that we get what we were promised YEARS ago.

For those unfamiliar with The Phantasm franchise and the ongoing battle between Mike and Reggie and The Tall Man and his sinister army of flying chrome balls(!), I refer you to my comment in the Behind The Mask section above. Thank you.

Don Coscarelli’s microbudgeted 1979 classic (and its sequels) is a trippy, dreamlike journey into, well, an odd sci-fi/horror hybrid featuring the simply AWESOME Angus Scrimm as the dimension travelling Tall Man, whose plan involves turning the dead into dwarf minions and conquering the world.

I told you it was trippy.

The films are brilliant, truly imaginative and the complex (and very weird) backstory weaves an interesting tale that slowly but surely adds more layers to the premise of the psychedelic original.

The last film, OblIVion (it was film IV in the series, see!) had a bizarre but poignant open ending. I don’t mind those, in fact, some of the very greatest films get you to do some of the work.

And (despite the evident low budget afforded to the 4^th film) this ending would have been fine… if we hadn’t heard about Phantasm 1999AD/Phantasm’s End.

You see, hot off of winning an Oscar for his work on the screenplay of Pulp Fiction, Roger Avary was a BIG DEAL. He was able to pick and choose his projects… and he chose a labour of love.

A self professed Phan of the series, Avary wrote a sequel to the third film that can only be described as balls-out, arse-slapping genius (although I may be the only person to describe it in that way).

Get this, in the not to distant future, the Tall Man is on the verge of complete victory. Now there are just three states remaining in the United States: New York on the East Coast; California over on the West; and in the middle, The Plague Zone. This is the area that has fallen to The Tall Man’s inexorable march. It has earned its name from a mysterious disease, caused by The Tall Man’s gross yellow embalming fluid, known as the Bag Virus. Carriers of the disease (known as Baggers) see their head slowly decay and fill with pus until, eventually, it can’t take the pressure any longer and explodes, spraying Bag Virus carrying ooze over anybody stupid enough to be within range.

As such the US Government has built walls, keeping the Baggers away from the crumbling civilisations in LA and NY.

Eventually the government has enough (despite having an agreement with the Tall Man whereby social outcasts and criminals are cast into the Plague Zone) and assembles a crack squad of badasses, led by series hero Reggie — who is still haunted by nightmares regarding what became of best bud Mike, to travel into the Plague Zone — all the way to The Tall Man’s gargantuan mausoleum fortress and detonate a ‘universe-destroying bomb’ in the Tall Man’s dimension, ending the threat once and for all.

I know, awesome right?

There were even talks that Phantasm 1999AD (as it was then known) could become a trilogy itself. GOLD.

But then, guess what?

Go on, bet you can’t.

Yep, finances became a problem. SIGH AGAIN.

In the end series runner Don Coscarelli wrote, directed and produced OblIVion (for about $600,000!) as a stop gap, aiming to set the stage for the eventual release of Avary’s film (now retitled Phantasm’s End as 1999 stsrted to loom ever nearer). Certain plot elements that would be addressed in final film are even hinted at in Coscarelli’s sequel.

As if to make the eventual crushing disappointment worse, rumours swirled that BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE CAMPBELL would be playing one of the aforementioned military badasses on the mission and that there might also be a monkey on the team.

WHAT.

Anyway, after Don said he thought he’d be able to deliver the huge scope and awesome of the film for a relatively small $8m, people sat back and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Since then, we’ve had nothing but rumours. Coscarelli himself has said Phantasm is over, but he’s also said the fan demand is such that it may have to happen. He’s written SEVERAL drafts of sequels to the series and even teased us all with a video clip showing Angus Scrimm and A. Michael Baldwin in character as The Tall Man and Mike respectively.

But still nothing.

As ghoulish as it may sound to say, according to Angus Scrimm’s imdb entry, he is now 87 years old (albeit in rude health and still pretty spritely). If the Phantasm sequel is to be made, it needs to be made sooner, rather than later.

Because if it needs one thing, only one, it is the great Angus’s trademark delivery of the line: ‘Booooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyy!’

So, any thoughts on my proposed list? Does this stuff float your boat or do you think it’s an entirely different kind of floater?

Feel free to drop any comments below.

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Until next time, I hope you enjoyed your stay.