FEATURE: SLASHER SMACKDOWN:
VERSUS REVISITED
For those
of you that read my long and rambling critique of ‘versus’ films, here’s the
point where I shoot my credibility in the face and say ‘If
you can’t beat them — join them.’
Here
are some of the more intriguing potential horror film fistfights I could think
of, complete with my own take on who would emerge victorious (you know,
provided they didn’t just give us a crappy, cop out, non-finish)
In
the immortal words of the guy from Mortal Kombat…
FIGHT!
Chucky vs Matt Cordell
(Child’s Play vs Maniac Cop)
I know I
joked about this a couple of weeks ago in my remakes and sequel blog, but this
one works! Forget about Leprechaun vs Chucky, let’s see how he throws down with
the titular bad guy of the Maniac Cop trilogy.
In Maniac Cop 3 we see that Matt has
problems with Voodoo practitioners and Charles Lee Ray has proven himself
pretty handy in this regard, what with transferring his body to a good guy doll
through a voodoo incantation. Furthermore, Chucky and Matt would have been at
odds prior to the events that made them the monsters we know now – Cordell the
strict, no-nonsense police officer and Chuck the wanted serial killer. It’s one
of the few cases where a fight ACTUALLY makes sense!
VERDICT: Initial opinions might seem to make
this a one sided affair — Cordell is a massive, hulking, undead revenge machine
and Chucky is, well, a kid’s toy. And if the fight was to be in a ring as a
straight forward physical tussle, the boy Lee Ray would be looking for a new
vessel to inhabit faster than you can say ‘Made in Taiwan’.
But that
misses the point on Chucky. He’s cruel, cunning, manipulative and (we need to
bring it back to this) he’s a master of black magic.
The rather
one dimensional Cordell just hasn’t got what it takes upstairs to deal with
that. I make this one Chucky’s victory (even though Matt would undoubtedly rise
from the grave again at a later date.) Cue Brad Dourif’s Chucky laugh.
JASON vs VICTOR
(Friday
the 13th vs Hatchet)
I’ve gone
for a real clash of heavyweights to get us underway, here.
Anybody who
has seen the Hatchet trilogy knows
that it is basically Friday the 13th
in a swamp, albeit with a more hyperactive Jason. This is just further
compounded by the fact that Victor Crowley himself is played by the definitive
Jason Voorhees, horror legend Kane Hodder.
A major
part of this argument would come from which version of Jason we’re going for:
the deformed psycho of Friday the 13th
II-IV; the undead stalker of Friday
VI-VIII; the body-jumping demonic entity of Jason Goes To Hell; the nanotechnology enhanced killing machine
‘uber-Jason’ of Jason X; or the
vicious, cunning woodsman of the 2009 remake. I’l answer that now – CLASSIC
UNDEAD VOORHEES ALL THE WAY BABY!
A plot line
wouldn’t be too necessary, Jason has shown his willingness to head further
afield for his murderlising (from New York to, well, outer space) so he could
easily end up in Honey Island Swamp… and we know how Vic responds to
trespassers.
VERDICT: This is an odd fight. Both are
ridiculously strong and equally vicious. They’ve both accrued ENORMOUS body
counts and each has a dazzling array of gory, gruesome and inventive kills to
their name.
Jason is
more of the one hit, ‘woah, shit, didn’t see that one coming’ sudden death
type, Vic more of a frenzied rabid dog who will maul and tear his victims to
shreds.
The real
complexity here comes from the fact that both are pretty much immortal. It
seems that no matter how much pain and destruction they were able to dish out
on each other (and it would be A LOT), neither could hope to keep the other
down — so let’s make this a No Score Draw, shall we?
JIGSAW vs THE COLLECTOR
(Saw vs The Collector/The Collection)
As two of
the emerging stars of the more recent ‘torture p0rn’ era of horror films, John
Kramer (and his various accomplices) and the as-yet unnamed entomologist under
The Collector’s gimp mask have a link in their creation. When writers Patrick
Melton and Marcus Dunston wrote their script The Midnight Man, a studio executive read it and thought it could
make a good prequel to the Saw films.
Eventually the creative team behind that franchise decided against the idea,
but it was enough to get the writers the gig to write Saw 4, 5 and 6. Of course with that kind of credit
under their belts the guys drew quite a lot of interest from other studios, and
so The Midnight Man script was
polished and so became… The Collector.
So let the
zany and unfeasible trap face off commence!
VERDICT: Both of these guys are sadistic.
Jigsaw wants his victims to learn something from their body mutilating
experience with him; the Collector just wants to make some REALLY fucked up
body sculpture things from his. In a straight face off, the elderly frail
cancer patient John Kramer would stand very little chance against the
physically very dangerous Collector. I think Kramer’s devoted gang of
apprentices and disciples could make a real difference here, but once again,
The Collector’s horde of drug addled human guard dogs would probably make short
work of the likes of Amanda or Jill in a straight fist (or knife) fight.
Jigsaw’s ultimate successor Hoffman would make for a truly intriguing contest
with the Collector as he is every bit as ruthless and makes a fine physical
match for him.
Perhaps the
convoluted backstory to the Saw saga
makes this one a bit too tough to call, but I’m coming down on the side of
Jigsaw. THE smartest horror villain outside of Hannibal Lecter, I just feel
he’d have something up his sleeve to counter the Collector’s more ‘in your
face’ brutality. Irrespective of who wins, I think that it’s safe to say this
clash would leave A LOT of blood on the ground.
PUMPKINHEAD vs THE CREEPER
(Pumpkinhead vs Jeepers Creepers)
Fuck you, I
like these two so I’m going to write about them. If you’ve got a problem with
that, write your own horror blog. Or, you know, put a comment below telling me
why they suck.
Anyway, my
primary reason for pairing these two beasties is that they are two of the least
human and more demonic of our horror antagonists. For those of you who have not
read my review of Pumpkinhead (to be
found here), Pumpkinhead itself is the demonic embodiment of vengeance. It is a
massive great monster with incredible strength, stamina and razor sharp claws.
It is also a frighteningly adept hunter, able to track whoever it is summoned
for to the ends of the earth.
The Creeper
on the other hand is originally believed to be some kind of weird psycho, but
as the first film progresses we come to see that the Creeper is in fact a
monstrous being that survives by consuming body parts every 23 years to replace
its own. Furthermore it has large bat-like wings and a keen sense of smell with
which it tracks potential victims for the organs that it must harvest.
A plotline
involving these two monsters could be surprisingly simple. By the end of Jeepers Creepers and it’s sequel, the
Creeper is known to several characters, many of whom have suffered the loss of
a loved one at its hands. What if one of these was to summon Pumpkinhead to
avenge that bereavement?
VERDICT: This is an intriguing clash and no
mistake. Physically I’d give the nod in terms of strength to Pumpkinhead.
However, the Creeper’s wings definitely work to its favour. Furthermore, the
Creeper has fashioned a whole host of weapons to use against its victims,
including blades and ninja style shuriken — many of which are actually made
from the discarded skin of bones of previous prey.
And let’s
not forget the super souped-up, rickety and creepy BEATNGU truck that the
Creeper has at its disposal (although quite why an ancient evil WITH WINGS
needs a truck, let alone how it learned to drive, is a mystery to me!). Heavy
machinery and a never give up attitude make the Creeper a real menace.
But to me,
the deciding factor is the creatures’ weaknesses. The Creeper is definitely
hardy, but when injured it remains injured until able to replace those parts of
its body. It was even beaten down and stopped by a farmer with a truck and home-made
harpoon gun. Okay, that farmer was the AWESOME Ray Wise, but this is still kind
of lame.
Pumpkinhead,
on the other hand, is utterly impervious to any physical harm UNLESS the person
who summoned it is wounded. This symbiotic relationship is both a strength and
weakness. Now provided that the people who call Pumpkinhead don’t stray too
close to the fray, the Creeper CANNOT beat it. Sure it can swoop around picking
its shots, but should Pumpy get his claws on, um, Creepy, it would soon turn
into a severe hiding.
Besides,
deep inside Pumpkinhead there is some LANCE FUCKING HENRIKSEN.
Game over,
man. Game over.
PINHEAD vs CANDYMAN
(Hellraiser vs Candyman)
This match
up between two of the more mysterious and enigmatic supernatural entities to
terrify cinemagoers has a little extra spice in that both characters were born
in the imagination of one Clive Barker (so there must be a slightly better
chance of this one coming off?).
If you’ve
read my Hellraiser review, you know
how much I love Barker’s work (and if you haven’t, here it is!). Each of these
characters first appeared in films based on short stories/novellas by barker,
Pinhead (or Lead Cenobite as he should really be known) in The Hellbound Heart, Candyman in The Forbidden. Both are smashing by the way, as are the films. Of
course, both have changed significantly since their first appearance in print.
Pinhead was female and Candyman was white and stalked Liverpool rather than
Chicago’s Cabrini Green. Since then both have become icons of horror cinema,
thanks in no small part to their portrayal by Doug ‘Awesome’ Bradley and
Totally Top Tony Todd (T4 for short). And it’s these icons that
should throw down.
As for
plotline, well, the kind of oddballs who get their thrills playing with the
Lament Configuration puzzle box are probably the same sort that think it’s cool
to repeat Candyman’s name in front of a mirror. If somebody did both? Let them
fight for their prize!
VERDICT: These two are tough to judge because
each entry of their respective franchises seems to give them vastly differing
levels of power and supernatural ability. It seems that once somebody summons
Candyman, they are screwed. He is immortal, impervious to damage, boasts
superhuman strength, is capable of hypnotically subduing victims, baffling them
with illusions, has used telekinesis and teleportation, plus he has command
over the army of bees that reside within his body. Although maybe a can of Raid
could help with that last one.
Pinhead is
equally, well, uberbad. He has the same physical attributes in terms of
strength and resistance to damage. Again he has the teleportation and ability
to summon illusions. But he has two decided advantages: first, while the man
formerly known as Daniel Robitaille can summon bees, Pinhead summons hooks and
chains with which to mutilate his victims. Advantage Pinhead.
Second,
Pinhead is the leader of the Cenobites. Demonic denizens of Hell, the Order of
the Gash are at Pinhead’s command, and each boasts slightly weaker (but still
impressive) versions of Pinhead’s own powers. Furthermore, Pinhead can create
more cenobites from his victims. This definitely tips the scales in his favour.
In terms of
weakness, both have an Achilles heel: they must both be summoned and the
inanimate object used to bring them to this world can banish them. Pinhead is
ALWAYS ending up worse off due to somebody using the Lament Configuration’s
powers against him, while in Candyman:
Farewell To The Flesh it is revealed that Robitaille’s soul remains trapped
within the mirror of his former lover. It is implied that destroying the mirror
will end his reign forever. But then they made Candman 3: Day of the Dead, so that kind of pisses on that bonfire.
Then they said it was paintings. Next they’ll probably say his shoes must be
destroyed, or something.
So who
wins? God knows. I’ll court controversy and give Candyman the nod as it seems
he can never truly be destroyed while his name lives in legend, whereas Pinhead
has come off second best to some right plonkers. Although if Pinhead sends the
hooks, chains and that awesome Chatterer-Beast cenobite after Danny boy’s shoes
I may change my opinion…
FREDDY vs PENNYWISE
(A Nightmare on Elm Street vs Stephen King’s It)
OK, let me
explain myself before you flip out. I KNOW It isn’t a ‘proper’ film and is
instead a two-part miniseries/TV movie adaptation of one of King’s (THE
definitive modern horror author) finest works. But Pennywise (as portrayed with
chilling brilliance by Tim Curry) is one of the finest horror portrayals to hit
the screen. In fact, I know grown men with clown phobias brought about ENTIRELY
through exposure to Pennywise at a sensitive age! Now, as for why I’d choose to
bring these two into direct conflict, well, it’s ALL about their MO. During his
life, Fred Krueger tortured and murdered children, but his death didn’t end his
reign of terror. Instead he forged an alliance with some rather horrible dream
demons and instead gained the ability to stalk his young victims in their
sleep, turning their greatest fears and insecurities against them before
finally dispatching them and feeding on their tormented souls. For at least one
film, Krueger was a legitimately frightening bogeyman for kids to fear, but
alas he soon degenerated into the wise-cracking anti-hero of the latter films.
But never forget, for a while, Freddy
was NIGHTMARISH.
It, the
creature behind the façade of Pennywise, was an ancient and terrifying
predatory interdimensional entity (revealed to be the Todash space between
realities in the novel and expanded universe of King’s Dark Tower series). It targets the children of fictional town
Derry, adopting an array of terrifying forms as it adopts the shape of its
young victims greatest fears (the wolf man, a mummy, abusive parents etc)
before dragging them down into the sewers and feeding on them.
In terms
for plotting, why would they clash? Well, both are used to being
alpha-predators and both are such vile horrible bastards, there’s no way
anybody could possibly like either one — including each other.
VERDICT: Both of these monsters (and they are
completely monstrous) boast very similar powers. Krueger can warp the very
fabric of dreamscapes at will, while powered by the terrifying Deadlights,
Pennywise/It can reshape itself to overpower the minds and bodies of its
victims. Both have their weaknesses — Krueger’s victims must be asleep for him
to be most effective, It has less power over strong, rational adult minds.
However, It has proven to be able to manipulate psychologically disturbed
adults, as evident in the way it was able to use Henry Bowers as its envoy to
hunt the Loser’s Club. Both are equally sadistic and vile, even down to implying
a definite and disturbing sexual context to the abuse victims might expect
(this is far more apparent in King’s novel than the TV movie, probably to
ensure the story made it past censors!).
I suppose
Krueger might stand a chance during one of Pennywise’s long hibernation periods
while it slumbered (especially if he could cause It’s natural spider form to
dream about a truly colossal rolled up newspaper), but really I can only see
one winner. It is one of the oldest and most evil beings in existence, having
been around since before our world came to be. Krueger is a man that has been
granted powers by demons — It IS one of the most powerful demons to ever exist.
Sorry, Elm Street fans — Pennywise
walks out with the W in this one.
Plus, when
it comes to scares, Clowns > than Christmas jumpers. FACT.
JACK BURTON vs STUNTMAN MIKE
(Big Trouble In Little China vs Deathproof)
A fun one
to finish… KURT RUSSELL VS KURT RUSSELL! In this case the wisecracking hero of
John Carpenter’s EPIC Big Trouble (okay, not a horror film BUT it’s John
Carpenter AND it rules, so it gets a bye!) versus the charming yet deranged and
sinister antagonist of Quentin Tarantino’s Grindhouse segment Death Proof. Both
of these roles show exactly why Russell has sustained his long Hollywood
career.
In short –
BECAUSE HE’S AWESOME.
In terms of
character, Burton is the ham-fisted, brash and cocky long distance truck driver
who finds himself in over his head but never stops swinging because he’s too
damned pissed off to take any of this shit!
Mike is a
misogynistic lunatic who drives around in his specially modified ‘death proof’
car, using the vehicle to act out his horrific rage fuelled fantasies and kill
innocent young women. Plus do the occasional John Wayne impression.
Did I
mention that Kurt Russell is AWESOME?
In terms of
plotting, they both drive. What if one cuts the other up on a lonely desert
freeway?
The answer is Car-nage,
my friends. (Sorry).
VERDICT: I see this one going down as some kind of Mad
Max-esque highway warfare. Both men behind the wheels of their respective
vehicles, neither giving an inch as The Porkchop Express and the Death Proof car roar towards one conclusion.
Now The Death Proof car is quite the weapon here. Head on collisions do nothing to Mike while he’s safely inside his motorised murder machine.
This is probably just as well as he's proven to be nowhere near a match physically for Burton's all-action hero.
Remember Burton has been a trucker for some time, so he'd have picked up some tricks on the roads. Plus a bloody great big truck may not be death proof, but it is still a bloody great big truck.
The way I see it, Burton comes out on top, somehow dragging Mike from the sanctuary of his murderlising motor and stomping the living shit out of him on the hard shoulder. How? Well, I'm not sure, but I imagine it would be all in the reflexes.
So that's your lot, let me know your thoughts in the comments below. Perhaps you disagree? Perhaps you think I'm bang on?
Perhaps you just want to tell me how shitty you think Pumpkinhead is?
'But wait!!!!' I hear you cry. 'You've missed out loads of big names!!! What is your problem, Hickey?!?!?'
Ok, you got me. The thing is, as I started writing these match ups it kind of took on a life of its own and soon swelled to epic size (ooh-err!)... So this list will BE CONTINUED! Expect more psycho-slasher smackdown in the days ahead. Do try to contain your excitement now, you hear?
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Until next time, I hope you enjoyed your stay.
