FEATURE: QUANTITY VS QUALITY – THE ‘VERSUS’ FILM

Another week, another feature - something with a little more meat on its bones, as I take a look at the ‘versus movie’.

To me there seems to be no surer sign that a film franchise is running out of ideas (well, shy of sending it to space – here’s looking at you Leprechaun, Jason X and Hellraiser: Bloodline) than deciding to mix it with another established franchise and watch the two icons bounce off one another.

In the not too distant past, we’ve had a couple of massive examples of this in Alien vs Predator (and its sequel, AvP: Requiem) and, of course, the bonkers Freddy vs Jason. Hell, even superhero films are getting in on the act with Batman vs Superman on the way.

These are perfect examples of what the versus film brings to the table, but these are not the first time such a mash up has found its way onto screens. In fact, this particular sub-genre has been with us for decades.

A BIT OF HISTORY

Perhaps the first true golden era for Hollywood horror came at the end of the 1920s/beginning of the 1930s with Universal’s Monsters.

Genuine cinematic legends were born as Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff bought some of literatures greatest monsters to life on the silver screen.

As the likes of Dracula, Frankenstein and The Wolf Man brought the crowds to the box office, in time, the studio needed to up the stakes. And what better way to do it, than by placing these monsters on screen together?

Starting with 1943’s Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, a sequel to both the original Wolf Man and the studio’s own Ghost of Frankenstein (no ‘versus’ in the title yet, but it was still early days!) the iconic characters started to appear in a number of crossovers that soon drew in the infamous Transylvanian count (as well as hunchback and random mad scientist!) in The House of Frankenstein (1944), and then again in its 1945 sequel, The House of Dracula.

Perhaps the death knell came when Universal added comedy duo Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein in 1948 (despite the film’s massive box office success). However, loving homages to these films have appeared throughout the years with the criminally underrated Monster Squad (1987) and the more recent Van Helsing (2004).

These monster mash films are good fun, if a little campy (even for the time), but the biggest problem does seem to stem from the wasted opportunity that came with them. The characters have such little interaction (and in some cases Frankenstein’s monster and Dracula are so marginalised) that it doesn’t seem like putting them in a film together achieves much.

Aside from the sterling cinematic smackdown between the looming Monster and feral Talbot in Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (in fact this fight would go on to have a large legacy among the films to follow it), there’s very little versus on display here too.

The same cannot be said of the first MEGA monster clash to hit the screen, 1962’s King Kong vs Godzilla.

Part of Toho Studio’s 30^th anniversary celebration, this film TOTALLY embraces the ‘who’s toughest?’ kids-on-a-playground premise of a proper ‘versus film’. In fact the ridiculous plot is almost entirely incidental – it’s basically there to contrive a reason for the great ape and Gojira to fight. And by jove they do!

The fight is epic and full of zany shenanigans like electric storms giving Kong a Street Fighter II-esque, ‘Electro Grasp’ special move and even some judo! As if that wasn’t cool enough, the music played during the epic final confrontation was not an original piece… it was first played during the clash between Frankenstein’s monster and the Wolf Man!

King Kong vs Godzilla was a MASSIVE success (it’s reportedly the most commercially successful Godzilla film ever) and lead to a whole influx of Godzilla vs… films, as Toho paired their iconic monster with a whole host of it’s other gigantic, city wrecking beasties. They’re good fun, but the studio’s own Mothra, King Ghidora, Mechagodzilla et al just don’t offer the same sense of occasion as the big G meeting up with a legit big screen legend in Kong.

Of course, the reason this seemed like such a big deal was due to the fact that these films came from separate studios and it was a genuine big deal to see them interact. A studio mining its own creations just lacks that same spark... unless the studio in question has worked hard to acquire the rights to a franchise for that purpose.

When New Line Cinema snapped up the rights to Friday the 13^th, it only took the release of Jason Goes To Hell to see the plan they had in mind -  a certain razor gloved dream demon was poised to clash with the psychopathic Jason Voorhees.

And so began the long journey to 2003’s Freddy vs Jason, the biggest, baddest and most anticipated horror versus film of all time. If you haven’t seen this film yet, do it. It perfectly gives you all the things you can expect from a versus film, warts and all.

Of course, if you can’t afford the rights to a rival franchise, you can still hope to make money by crossing your own, a clear strategy of Charles Band’s Full Moon Productions in recent years.

Perhaps most famous for its Puppet Master series (a franchise with a jaw-dropping number of ever increasing entries), the studio has seen crossovers between it’s Dollman series and the Demonic Toys series too. Often cheap, rarely making any sense, always absolutely barking, these films really show what can happen with a ‘versus’ film run amok.

Interestingly, the first of these Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys, was released in 2004, the same year as the ultimate ‘versus’ film – Alien vs Predator.

Much like Jason Goes To Hell’s Freddy glove, scifi/action fans had been waiting to see the faceoff between these two deadly extraterrestrials since an alien skull popped up in the background in Predator 2.

Having already spawned a series of comics and computer games, the journey to the screen was arduous. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the film went ahead. It made a lot of money (enough to spawn a sequel) but the general consensus is that the film is a bit disappointing. The basic story is a load of old bollocks, ignoring a vast amount of the already established mythology of both franchises to introduce a pyramid in Antarctica and, well, any old excuse to show you how impressive these monsters can be rendered using modern special effects.

Now let me clarify, they DO look incredible. The fights are visceral and the monsters really provide some great screen moments (the first Predator/Xenomorph clash is guaranteed to cause goosebumps). Plus, for those paying attention, a scene from (guess what? Yep, that again!) Frankenstein meets The Wolf Man can be seen playing on a tv screen during the film, so that adds some instant cool.

The only problem is just that the film itself is a bit naff.

Poor characters, poor story, it’s all bang, no buck, which is a crying shame for the series.

So that’s a brief (and certainly not complete rundown) of the versus film. What has this little wander down memory lane shown us?

THE STRENGTHS

The obvious pro for these films is that, well, you’re combining franchises. If one film series has 10million fans and the other has 8million fans, surely you’re looking at 18million people interested in your film? To a studio exec, it’s a no-brainer.

Cynical as that may sound, it’s clearly the biggest motivation in these films. Cinema is a business and businesses are all about making money. A versus film is pretty much a safe bet, just look at the box office returns for the films listed above.

From a less cynical, more creative standpoint, by combining franchises you are able to pick and choose from a deep, rich mythology and backstory with which to tell your own tales. As pointed out above and in my previous feature, lots of films, especially in the horror genre, take place in a shared, interconnected universe – these films are a natural expansion of that, reinforcing and rebuilding those links.

Finally, as mentioned above, there is a genuine thrill to come from seeing two previously unrelated intellectual properties appear together. How do they react to one another? Can they coexist? And if not… which truly is the toughest?

THE WEAKNESSES

Unfortunately, the ‘versus’ film is a bit of a short term fix and can actually deliver the killing blow to a franchise.

Look at it this way — if two seemingly indestructible, unstoppable killing machines come to blows, one has to be revealed to be weaker. By showing one of these boogeymen to be defeated by an onscreen rival, that particular monster loses some of its aura of terror — it is no longer unstoppable, it is weaker than one of its horror film peers. By admitting that, a horror franchise (which are often built around their terrifying lead antagonists) is hobbling itself from that point forward.

Needless to say, that can also provide a huge obstacle in getting two studios to work together for the greater good. Neither wants their pet project to be harmed.

This is equally true of the fans. If you were a fan of one particular villain and then witnessed him take a bloody good hiding from a character you have less affection for, your reaction to the film is likely to be pretty negative.

Look at it this way — how many football supporters leave a match saying it was ‘a great match’ if their team was on the losing end?

Any film seen to portray their screen faves in an unfavourable light will only alienate those fans, essentially driving them away from the film.

Now the typical way to avoid this problem is to provide a cheap, non-finish to the climactic battle.

And I do mean typical.

From Frankenstein’s monster and the Wolf Man being swept away in a flood, to King Kong and Godzilla’s fight reaching its undisclosed conclusion beneath the waves, from Freddy’s severed head winking and the hybrid chestburster tearing free of that final Predator’s chest — these films have a real habit of refusing to provide a satisfactory conclusion to the fight that is the sole purpose of the film.

This in itself is a massive weakness — the films are so often unable to offer a true answer to the question that draws crowds to the film in the first place: ‘Which of these is better?’

Yet, this is not the only weakness inherent in these films. One of the biggest problems, from a story standpoint, is that these antagonists don’t exactly make for sympathetic leads. Undead/demonic/alien killing machines don’t really sell any human element to the plot.

This often means the inclusion of some human protagonists, not least so we can keep the bodycount up and show off our big bad monsters’ handiwork to whet the appetite for the main course smackdown to come. Unfortunately, these characters rarely have any grounding in the established backstory for either franchise, making it really rather difficult for fans of either franchise to give much of a toss about them.

The closest we get is Mr Weyland (played by LANCE FUCKING HENRIKSEN*, no less) in AVP. Okay, that’s kind of a cool Aliens reference, but are you honestly telling me people wouldn’t have preferred to see Sigourney Weaver’s Ellen Ripley or big Arnie taking on the bad guys?

These disposable human characters often just clutter already crowded films, existing purely to provide exposition or, well, die to show how tough the big bads are.

Now, another problem with featuring bastard, psycho-killer monsters (a great album title there) is that nobody really roots for either side. In fact, by the end of most of their solo outings you’re willing the last survivor of their rampage to get revenge and kill them.

This is where one of my biggest gripes with these films comes from: to rectify this problem, film-makers often decide to make one of the starring monsters sympathetic.

On very rare occasions, this can work. Larry Talbot is a man under a terrible curse, so he can make for a compelling lead when he isn’t under the influence of the full moon. But when the fur is on display, well, Larry is no more Mr Nice Guy.

Most of the time, however, the stretch to paint a big bad as a ‘big good’ is too far.

In AVP a lone surviving Predator forms an alliance with our human heroine to defeat the xenomorph menace. This is because, as has already been shown in canon, the Predators have an honour-based society that recognises aptitude as hunter/warrior.

BOLLOCKS.

All proving yourself to be a good hunter does to a Predator is make you a more prestigious trophy. Did the big scaly dude decide to offer Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Dutch a respectful handshake for proving to be tough? NO, he tried to rip his head off.

The only time a Predator proved to be ok towards a potential viable victim, was at the climax of Predator 2 when Danny Glover’s Harrigan is given a prize for defeating his Predator nemesis. Fair enough, but AVP’s heroine Alexa hadn’t done that. More to the point, the predator bosses certainly didn’t decide to become best mates with Harrigan and hanging around with him.

In Freddy vs Jason, an attempt is made to make Voorhees sympathetic. Of course, Freddy Krueger is about as bad as they come, a murderous child abuser in life, who has manipulated Big Jase into killing on his behalf. Fair enough…

…EXCEPT for the fact that Jason Voorhees has an onscreen body count of over 150 victims, the vast majority of whom were teenage camp counsellors.

And he’s our good guy?????

It is ridiculous to expect a serious horror villain to draw cheers and support — the very nature of horror makes these monsters and their actions repugnant.

In fact, this common evil often leads to a recurring plot point in these films. The villainous antagonists will form an uneasy alliance to cause maximum carnage, before their own volatile natures or sinister agendas bring them into conflict. In fairness, this is the best way a plot point can work with characters who are, at heart, evil, manipulative and unreliable, yet it is fast on its way to becoming a cliché of the genre.

Think Freddy and Jason’s alliance to slaughter teens or Dracula’s dominion over the lesser creatures of the night in the Universal hayday.

Perhaps it is a necessary evil as otherwise the creatures must be kept apart for the vast majority of the film (not necessarily a problem for me) or the film becomes an hour plus of fighting (like They Live, well, nearly).

Perhaps plot clichés should be expected though. Horror has long since established its own rules and tropes, a film combining those is sure to be weighed down by them.

And clichés are not the only bane to a versus film’s plotting, perhaps the biggest is the sheer amount of contrivance needed to justify the film. From the aforementioned Antarctic pyramid in AVP, to Freddy’s convoluted plot to rebuild fear through using Jason, all the way to the barking nonsense of the plot of King Kong vs Godzilla, these films often have to stretch credulity to warrant their ultimate payoff — the titular confrontation.

SO WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

Despite the tremendous financial success of the likes of AVP and Freddy vs Jason (FvJ reported a box office of $114,843,030 on a budget of $30million!) the ‘versus’ film trend seems to have tailed off a little. After FVJ plenty of ideas were floated, including a sequel Freddy vs Jason vs Ash (adding the Evil Dead’s iconic hero played by BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE CAMPBELL). The original treatment for this film can be found online, such as through the fantastic site Bloody Disgusting. The film never materialised but a bloody good comic series was produced to adapt the story.

At the same time other potential crossovers included the insane sounding Helloween, in which Hellraiser’s cenobites would come into direct conflict with Halloween’s fellow horror A-lister Michael Myers. A very very daft but certainly intriguing idea, like F v J v A, this never occurred either.

But if Pinhead vs Myers seems an odd choice for smackdown, one other proposed showdown really takes the cake.

Chucky vs Leprechaun.

Seriously.

Warwick Davis’s pintsize magical malevolent dwarf vs Child’s Play’s Good Guy gone bad — on film.

Perhaps I’ve been hit in the head one too many times, but by god, I imagine I’d fall in love with that.

Before you dismiss this as random fanwank, first heed this — in a bizarre twist, the creator of the Child’s Play, Don Mancini has himself spoken about the idea at this year’s Frightfest in the UK and even added his own dream idea of Chucky and Freddy Krueger going head to head in a kill contest on the big screen!

Don has been quoted online as saying:

It all just seems too obvious to me [Leprechaun vs Chucky]. I mean Freddy vs. Jason, I thought that was a fun movie… But for me the problem with that team up is that Jason doesn’t really have any personality and doesn’t talk. If Freddy and Chucky got together that would be a really funny double act. If you did a Child’s Play on Elm Street and did it like a horror movie version of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. So Chucky and Freddy meet and Freddy says, Chucky I’m a big fan of your work. Chucky says, Freddy I admire your technique. And they decide that Elm Street is too small for the two of them so they have to have a contest to see who can kill the most teenagers before sunrise.

Of course, none of this has happened either.

And perhaps the reason for this, is that, well, versus films just don’t measure up to their original franchises. While Freddy vs Jason and Alien vs Predator may have done well, who really prefers those films to the strongest film in either of the franchises they combine?

AVP is at least 4^th place in the Alien series and I’d argue that all three Predator films are superior.

Who would say they prefer F vs J to the original Elm Street or Friday the 13^th? Or even those series’ fan faves, like Dream Warriors or Jason Lives?

Surely there can’t be a lunatic out there who’d say King Kong vs Godzilla get ANYWHERE near the sheer brilliance of King Kong or Godzilla?

While Frankenstein meets the Wolfman is undoubtedly great fun, it pales in significance next to Universal’s initial outings for their iconic monsters. The studio’s own masterpiece, The Bride of Frankenstein makes this monster mash look positively amateurish is comparison.

Unfortunately, the smackdown between two major characters isn’t enough to warrant making a film when a cheaper, easier to produce sequel will keep things ticking along nicely.

The whole ‘who would win in a fight?’ seems to be going strong in the medium of comics, itself a supposedly more action oriented product.

And there have been some excellent horror mash ups written by the medium’s most talented writers. The likes of Hack/Slash and Army of Darkness (itself an adaptation and continuation of the Evil Dead)have taken in all kinds of additional horror icons such as Chucky, Re-Animator’s Herbert West and Hatchet’s Victor Crowley (including a current crossover between those two titles), while the treatment for Freddy vs Jason vs Ash was also translated to comic format.

This alone shows the sheer amounts of awesome you can see with comic ‘versus’ ideas:

WHAT.

With all this in mind, it can come as no real surprise that the next major versus film is between two comicbook heroes. As superhero films are big business now (following the success of Marvel’s Avengers, itself boasting a host of cool versus clashes such as Iron Man vs Thor) it can be no wonder that Batman vs Superman is going ahead.

If it performs as well as I imagine it will, perhaps it could once again herald a whole new wave of horror versus films.

Like what I hear you cry?

Well, look at next week’s blog entry to see the creatively bankrupt suggestions my pretty little head can come up with.

I bet you can’t wait. 

* Like I wasn’t going to mention him!

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Until next time, I hope you enjoyed your stay.

FROM THE CRYPT: HELLRAISER

HELLRAISER (1987)

Dir: Clive Barker

Starring: Andrew Robinson, Clare Higgins, Ashley Laurence, Sean Chapman, Doug Bradley

So here we go, my first request and my first attempt to tackle an entry from one of the big franchises. And yes, I count Hellraiser as one of the big franchises. Maybe not A-List like Halloween, Elm Street and Friday the 13^th, but it’s not far off. Perhaps B-List then.

SUMMARY:

The film starts with a very sweaty, anxious Frank somewhere hot and where people have FILTHY fingernails. Seriously, these people look like they've been mining for bumgold up an elephant's jacksy. A local merchant appears with an odd foreign accent (Asia? Africa? Watford?). Oh, it's Morocco. Watford would have been better. It seems his pleasure is 'the box'. He eagerly grabs the aforementioned odd puzzle box (itself a BEAUTIFULLY designed prop) and off he goes. The next scene has him back in his home in London (wha...? This is based in the UK???? YES!!!!!!) Frank proceeds to solve the puzzle box, which upon closer inspection looks like THE EASIEST PUZZLE TO SOLVE IN HISTORY.

And then SHIT HITS THE FAN.

Well, more accurately, chains and hooks hit Frank. Ouch, gory latex flesh-rending ahoy! After Frank splits (quite literally) we get cool eerie chains jangling and swinging, then PINHEAD, played by Doug 'Awesome' Bradley. He awesomely puts the pieces of Frank's face together like a jigsaw puzzle, awesomely picks up the box, awesomely returns it to its original state and then he and his fellow hideous (but awesome) Cenobite buddies awesomely disappear.

AWESOME.

After this awesomnitude Frank's brother Larry and Larry's new wife Julia move into Frank and Larry's old home. This is brilliant, Larry is Andrew Robinson, Scorpio from Dirty Harry! This guy fucking rocks!

How fucked up is Frank if the 'normal' brother is the one who said: 'Come on sing everyone! Sing or I'll go home and kill all your mommies, sing, sing!' to a busload of school kids?????

Julia is THE most 80s looking woman in history but at least she's English. A continual source of amusement to me in this film is the way it tries to paint Julia as some kind of redhot sex siren and really, well, she's not. Like, at all.

She does have a KILLER 80s POWERHAIRCUT though. Sweet.

Anyway, they get inside and find all kinds of rubbish, rotting food, muck and odd sexy statues.

That was not a typo.

This place is a bit of a fixer upper!

Larry realises that Frank has been here. He isn't that much of a genius though, because the pictures of Frank with loads of half naked ladies laying around the place were kind of a big clue.

Larry gets a call from his daughter Kirsty... and it turns out she's American too. Hmmm. She was originally meant to be staying with Larry and Julia's POWERHAIR but isn't now. Her frizzy perm probably felt it couldn't cope in the same house as such ALPHA HAIR.

Speaking of Julia's POWERHAIR, it's currently in the room where Frank got got. That wasn't a typo either. She's TOTALLY ogling Frank's pornaroids. DIRTY 80s SLUT!

And with that they decide to move in. Mmmmm, homely.

Cut to them moving into the house, compete with PROPER fat/sweaty removal men. Who also appear to be American. And drink Bud. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Finally Kirsty gets some screentime. Ok she's just walking along the banks of the Thames (I think, but seriously, this film could be set ANYWHERE)

She walks into the house and Julia buggers off upstairs. Julia is her stepmum, you see, and they don't really get on. That's some deep character development shit, right there. Upstairs Julia goes into Frank's room where we get a sudden raunchy flashback to the day before she got married. Turns out Frank visited while Larry was out and proceeded to give Julia such a serious dicking that she's STILL not recovered. LEDGE.

For those of you wondering what his super hot moves are, they seem to consist of sticking his finger in her mouth, then using a flick-knife to ruin her 80s POWERNIGHTIE.

Hang on one second...

Bastard?

Dark floppy hair?

Handy with a flick-knife?

Surname COTTON?

Why DOES that sound familiar?

Ahem, anyway while Julia's POWERHAIR is reminiscing over Nick Frank's weapon (HARUMPH!) Larry proves what a useless soppy twat he is in comparison by cutting his hand on a nail, then acting as if he'd just stapled his bollock to a pitbull. It's a cut, man up!

He stumbles up the stairs, still acting like a major league sissy, then stumbles into the room with Julia's POWERHAIR where we get MAJOR GRAPHIC SLOW MO BLOOD SPLASHES!

Okay, it's not exactly Saw but it distracts Larry from the puddle that Julia made too...

They head off because the aforementioned cut requires stitches and then we get treated to some FUCKING BRILLIANT SPECIAL EFFECTS! The blood seems to resurrect Nick Frank from a weird mini heart thing under the floorboards. I think it's safe to say it was his. From here we get to see his body kind of knit itself together sinew by sinew and bone by bone. This is so COOL I may have to take a minute.

...

...

......

Ah that's better. This scene is made all the better by the payoff that the odd animatronic missing tissue man at the end looks like violent racist professional footballer Lee Bowyer. Nice.

Cut to later and Larry is having a dinner party. His guests are all fucking twats (and American. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) After a couple of unfunny minutes where Julia's POWERHAIR thinks about the dicking she got from Nick Frank, she makes her excuses to leave this bunch of pricks.

I do not blame her.

Needless to say she goes up to Frank's room and soon meets SKINNED NICK FRANK.

This guy is da bom, fo' shizzy, and explains that the blood we were shown in super graphic slow mo somehow resurrected him. I've just had a thought... when Pinhead and friends were shown gathering up all the bits of Nick Frank and sticking them on the spinning pillars (best 90s indie band name ever!) was it because they know that if any bits are left behind and come in contact with blood the victim can be brought back?

WELL?

WAS IT?????

ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where was I? Oh yes, SKINNED NICK FRANK lays the whammy on Julia's POWERHAIR... and my god she is STILL into that dicking, even though he's a skinned undead violent racist footballer. She evens goes back for more finger sucking. FILTHY 80s SLUT!

SKINNED NICK FRANK is all: 'Yeah baby, get me some more man blood and I'll be whole again (like Atomic Kitten, yo) and I'll totally say my 'Come to Daddy' catchphrase.'

And Julia's POWERHAIR is all: 'Okeydokey. Sure I can work out both of your plums and you may violently attack asian cab drivers (allegedly) but you're still more fun than that shitty fucking party downstairs. Now give me some more finger to suck. SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!'

After this Kirsty goes home with a guy who I think is her boyfriend (and American. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) and she is wearing a MAJORLY SHARP HAT here. Whoo hoo! Perhaps she thought it was the only way her head could hope to overcome Julia's POWERHAIR? All this scene does is show us that the ridiculously dressed American wanke... wait a minute... he's called Steve! BEST CHARACTER IN THIS, he's SO the hero with bravely unconventional hairstyle and unique fashion sense. Anyway Steve and Kirsty are hooking up. Oh and a hobo who looks a bit like Russell Brand is watching her.

Oooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

Back in Cotton Towers Julia's POWERHAIR is still frothing over thoughts of Frank's dicking. That's it. Mind made up.

Time to go all Fred and Rose.

Meanwhile we get an odd dream at Kirsty's involving feathers, blood and a sound effect of a baby crying. It's actually quite creepy.

BUT NOT AS TERRIFYING AS JULIA'S POWERHAIR DRESSED TO IMPRESS!

She goes out in enormous sunglasses and quite possibly the ugliest orange blouse in history.
Words cannot do it justice.

Julia's POWERHAIR goes to a bar where a small, bald, sad, little man who may not be called Derek but SHOULD be soon cracks on to her.

He's English too! WHERE IS THIS SET????? Pretty soon J's PH convinces Derek to go home with her. Even in THAT blouse, he agrees. Derek here does something BRILLIANT.

When Julia's POWERHAIR leads Derek upstairs into SKINNED NICK FRANK's room, he astutely notices that it is not a bedroom.
She (equally astutely) says 'We don't need a bed.'
He pulls the best you-little-minx! face and replies: 'Why not, eh? There's a first time for everything!'

GASP!
FLOOR SEX???
RISQUE!!!!

Unless he's referring to this being the first time he's ever done it with somebody with such POWERFUL HAIR in a luminous orange blouse.

Anyway Derek gets distracted and it's HAMMER TIME! Julia's POWERHAIR batters him senseless with it. Then SKINNED NICK FRANK drinks him like an extra thick McDonalds Strawberry milkshake.

Poor Derek. Sadly gone, but never forgotten. Let's all play that Puff Daddy/Faith Hill song for a while.

Or not.

The upshot of this is that we get a bit more SKINNED NICK FRANK! He's a bit more glisteny and globby now.

While he finishes his large McDerek meal, Julia rushes to the wc to wash all the blood off her face and (HIDEOUS) blouse. Of course Larry comes home now so she pretends she's feeling sick, then suggests Larry cracks out the booze in the next breath. FILTHY 80s LUSH!

Meanwhile Kirsty works in a petshop. You can probably guess the nationality of the customers. For no reason Hobo Russell Brand turns up, eats some crickets, then leaves.

Back to SKINNED NICK FRANK and Julia's POWERHAIR's nefarious plan and we see another bald Englishman get offed. This time Julia looks much less perturbed afterwards. Maybe SKINNED NICK FRANK is coating his fingers in valium before he sticks them in her gob now?


After this latest meal Frank is whole enough to put on a suit and shirt. He's still kind of a bloody raw mess, so the shirt is ruined. Daz Doorstep Challenge time! The best thing is that SNF is looking pretty damn cool in his fancy threads.

And now we get EXPOSITION CORNER!

Turns out Frank summoned the Cenobites because he's so bloody extreme, but they were more than he bargained for and now he desperately need to get healed and run away quick before they realise he's left the hell dimension they dragged him to. EVERYBODY watching knew this by this point SKINNED NICK FRANK! Maybe stick to dicking, eh?

Later that night SKINNED NICK FRANK's reforming nerves cause him to get het up, crashing around in the loft while Larry watches a boxing match during a thunderstorm. Julia temporarily forgets how to lie, so she's forced to distract Larry with the temptation of nookie. Meanwhile SKINNED NICK FRANK has nailed some rats to the wall, so it's probably safe to say that he's in a pissy mood.

And as Larry starts bumping and grinding on Julia's POWERHAIR (which I don't see nuttin' wrong with) SKINNED NICK FRANK makes an appearance, looming menacingly in the background with a knife in his hand. Julia's POWERHAIR has kind of a twinge of conscience and starts crying and pleading ('NO, PLEASE, I CAN'T BEAR IT!')
Needless to say this TOTALLY kills the mood and as SKINNED NICK FRANK slips back to his hiding place, Larry sulks and marches out to have a chinese with Kirsty.
At least that's how the editing makes it appear.
After they moan about Julia's POWERHAIR for a while, Larry thinks it might be that Julia's POWERHAIR is a little lonely and needs some company. Kirsty begrudgingly agrees.
So of course the next day when she goes to visit Julia's POWERHAIR she sees her wicked stepmother taking a bald man inside! Ooooooooooooooooh, FILTHY 80s SLUT!

Suspicious at this, Kirsty sneaks inside and up the stairs... where she sees what happens to SKINNED NICK FRANK's victims. Gunky! Sloppy SKINNED NICK FRANK appears to try to placate her, then suddenly gets a bit rapey. That finger is poised for Kirsty's mouth when she finds the Lament Configuration puzzlebox among SKINNED NICK FRANK's shit. When SKINNED NICK FRANK bricks it, she realises that the box is a pretty handy tool and hurls it through the window. SKINNED NICK FRANK is not amused, even less so when Kirsty scarpers down the stairs, grabs the box and does a runner.
For some reason, in the next scene Kirsty suddenly goes deep into shock and passes out. Okay, maybe the reason was that her skinned dead uncle just tried to molest her after she saw a man get vampirised. Not THAT unexplained after all.
As she fades into unconsciousness we get a weird timelapse photography flash of a flower blooming.

That's right, nothing says sheer gruelling terror like Chrysanthemums, BITCHES!

After that fucking stupid interlude, Kirsty comes round in hopsital, apparently having forgotten some stuff. When the staff talk to her (all of whom ARE FUCKING AMERICAN) they tell her she was clutching a strange item... and give her a signed photograph of Keith Chegwin.

OF COURSE IT WASN'T THAT! It's the box!

Needless to say, as soon as Kirsty's alone, she starts to play with the box.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Upon solving it the wall opens!
AWESOME! The wall actually parts and there's some damn spooky catacomb-looking tunnels exposed... which Kirsty walks into.

SHE DESERVES TO DIE.

She doesn't make it far before she bumps into the equally great AND crap Engineer. This Cenobite isn't like the others, it seems more like a mindless monster and definitely spent less time sorting out its outfit at the Goth/Emo stalls in Camden Market.

Rather wisely, Kirtsy shits herself and runs, just making it back into the hospital room before the Engineer can get its claws on her. Phew, close call... until a bell sounds and light and steam starts to seep between the tiles on her wall. First Chatterer appears close by, grabbing Kirsty by the face. Hey, that finger is awfully close to her mouth. Maybe SKINNED NICK FRANK gave Chatterer some pointers while he was tortured in the Cenobite Hell dimension? What a guy!
Awesome, here comes Doug 'Awesome' Bradley. Pinhead awesomely delivers a load of awesome lines that awesomely inform Kirsty just how awesomely fucked she is for summoning the awesome Cenobites, whether on purpose or not.
Kirsty promptly shits herself again and starts pleading and begging for her life. Pinhead awesomely laughs at her tears, much like Cartman with Scott Tenorman.

BUT EVEN MORE AWESOME!

Finally Kirsty manages to get his awesome attention by completely grassing up SKINNED NICK FRANK.
Pinhead is all: 'Btch, please, we're the fucking Cenobites, nobody escapes us. We'd know, dig?'
While Kirsty is all: 'No straight up, Guv, strike a light and no mistake, SKINNED NICK FRANK did and he's at my gaff right now.'
As Pinhead is so awesome he awesomely says that he might let Kirsty go if she cvan present SKINNED NICK FRANK in her place AND he confesses what has happened.
Kirsty knows she doesn't have long and promptly sets off to confront Julia's POWERHAIR and SKINNED NICK FRANK... but little does she know that her dad has already returned home and SKINNED NICK FRANK just needs one last thing to be whole... SKIN.

Okay, so I won't ruin the end, but suffice it to say that it completely delivers.
It was kind of daunting writing a review of Hellraiser because it's such a beloved film. Even a whole slew of shitty sequels haven't killed this franchise, primarily on the strength of this initial outing.
This is with good reason  —  Hellraiser is a true classic. With an oddly dreamlike, sexual and disturbing story and amazing visuals, Clive Barker's adaptation of his own novella is a MUST WATCH.

Just try not to have any nightmares about timelapse pansies now.

HEY, I KNOW YOU:  ANDREW ROBINSON – Hey, this guy is a proper actor and everything! He’s been in Dirty Harry (where he’s AWESOME), Cobra alongside Sly Stallone and he had a recurring role in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine as Garak. Good work.

CLARE HIGGINS — A strong actress, but not that glittering a career. TV roles including Casualty and Midsomer Murders litter her cv, although she had a role in the big screen adaptation of Philip Pullman’s The Golden Compass (Northern Lights to us Brits) and she was in the top drawer BBC horror dramedy Being Human.

ASHLEY LAWRENCE — Nowt of any note. Well, except a role in Red.

DOUG ‘AWESOME’ BRADLEY — Okay, so he’s Pinhead. He needs NOTHING ELSE on his cv to be A-OK in my book, but he has added to his horror awesomeness with roles in Nightbreed (another Clive Barker work) and a TOP role in Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes. Which I kind of love. AWESOME indeed, Douglas. AWESOME indeed.
CLIVE BARKER — is one of the greatest horror writers in the worlds. His Books of Blood are ESSENTIAL reading while his dark, disturbing fantasy efforts such as Weaveworld and Abarat are captivating. Barker is Britain's Stephen King.

ANGELS TO SOME: In a film with this many monstrous, murdering flesh-renderers it’s pretty damn tough working out who the biggest monsters are. First we have uncle Frank. 

A ne’er-do-well thrillseeker who has pushed himself to the limits of sensation for his own sordid pleasures, subsequently became unstuck and is now desperately screwing over anybody he can to get out of the hell he brought on himself. This is a man who would happily sleep with his sister-in-law the day before her wedding day, then manipulate her to bring random men to him so he can vampirically feed on them to bring himself back to our dimension. He’s also happy to sacrifice this same sister-in-law AND his brother to escape Hell. Oh, and he kind of wants to rape his niece. In this story, Frank (and to a lesser degree, Julia) really are the villains of the piece. 

But they’re not what people remember.

Oh no.

The coolest, most iconic things to come out of Hellraiser are the Cenobites. 

Pinhead (billed as Lead Cenobite in this first outing), Butterball, Chatterer, um, Female Cenobite and the barely-glimpsed-but-nonetheless-very-creepy Engineer MAKE this film. Not so much villains as an alien force of nature, the Cenobites are the threat. Never really explained in this first entry in the franchise, all we know is that the Cenobites are linked to the box (later identified as Lemarchand’s Lament Configuration) and those that seek the extremes of experience can summon these demonic entities using the box. From here the Cenobites will drag their victim's soul back to their own hell dimension where they will be tortured for eternity. The Cenobites themselves all sport various scars, tears and piercings, suggesting that the tortures they share with their victims are also experienced by the Cenobites. In fact later films explore this in greater depth, revealing that many of the Cenobites were victims of the box before being twisted and transormed into this new physical form.

The heavy S&M message here, the link between pleasure and pain and a revelling in the experiences of the flesh, is perhaps enough to fill an entire thesis, but the Cenobites themselves are not vindictive. There are strict rules to what they do. They obey them and force everybody else to obey them too.

Their powers include a supernatural physical resiliency, the ability to teleport to anywhere they are summoned and a control over hooks and chains that are used to snare and torture their prey.
Plus they look frickin' UBERCOOL.

BODY COUNT: 7

CREATIVE CARNAGE: Chains, hooks and a flesh explosion!

CLICHÉ CHECKLIST: PEOPLE WHO WEAR LEATHER ARE SICK!; RELIGIOUS = SCARY; MAGGOTS,  AND COCKROACHES AND BUGS, OH MY!; PEOPLE ALWAYS PULL IN BARS; SLIME TIME!; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! MONKEY!; MEN LOVE SPORTS!; THUNDER = SCARY; TRAUMA MEANS SLOW-MO; NIGHT TIME IS SCARY TIME; ANGRY PEOPLE STAB SLOWER; PREMATURE VICTORY MONOLOGUE; IT'S ALL OVER...

DIALOL: There’s loads, this film is a goldmine!

MERCHANT: 'What’s your pleasure, sir?'

NICK FRANK: 'Come to Daddy.'

PINHEAD (BILLED AS LEAD CENOBITE): ‘The box. You opened it. We came.’

NICK FRANK: ‘I thought I’d gone to the limits. I hadn’t. The Cenobites gave me an experience beyond limits — pain and pleasure indivisible.’

KIRSTY: ‘Who are you?’ PINHEAD: ‘Explorers in the further regions of experience. Demons to some, Angels to others.’

PINHEAD: ‘You solved the box, we came. Now you must come with us, taste our pleasures.’

PINHEAD: ‘No tears, please, it’s a waste of good suffering.’

KIRSTY: ‘You can go to hell.’ FEMALE CENOBITE: ‘We can’t. Not alone.’

PINHEAD: ‘We’ll tear your soul apart.’

NICK FRANK: ‘Jesus wept.’

PINHEAD: ‘We have such sights to show you.’

10 WORD WRAP UP: A genuine, undeniable horror classic from the great Clive Barker

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