FROM THE CRYPT: VAMP

VAMP (1986)

Dir: Richard Wenk

Starring: Chris Makepeace, Robert Rusler, Deedee Pfeiffer, Grace Jones, Gedde Watanabe, Sandy Baron, Billy Drago

Another 80s cult classic, one which is SO 80s it should only be available on VHS with a free rubiks cube and a soundtrack by Duran Duran. Alas these last two points are not true. Thankfully, neither is the first, so I was able to sit down with the dvd this weekend. This is what happened inside my head as I did…

SUMMARY: So the film gets underway and the credits music is MELODRAMATIC. It's some sort of overwrought, Gregorian monk chant. I found myself thinking: 'What the fuck? This is a little over the top...'

10 seconds later...

'I LOVE THIS! YEEEEAAAAHHHH!' There are weird towers and monks and ominous dudes in robes and bells and shit. Two men are rushed into a chamber, nooses slipped about their necks and forced up onto a ledge. A robed figure steps forward and starts to deliver a portentous speech... and then the tape goes wrong. Ah ha ha ha! It's a Frat house hazing! Nice one.

After some poorly acted posturing I can only conclude that MY GOD, 80s jocks suck. The hideous shirts on display here are worth watching the film for alone.

After some lame wisecracking, the two heroes tell the assembled 80s muscleheads that they would be good for the Frat house because they would improve the quality of parties.

'How so?' asks the tragically-haircutted chief 80s Frat boy.

(I'm guessing either booze or naked chicks. Or maybe guns. EVERY single party in history is improved by the introduction of these things. Except maybe wakes... nah, even wakes.)

'We'll get a stripper!' says the louder, cockier, cool one, AJ.

(SEE!!! I TOLD YOU!!!! EVERY PARTY!!!!!!)

The more sensible, sensitive one, Keith...

(Keith? Seriously?)

...is not so keen, but he goes along with it anyway. That's a good wingman right there.

First point of call, Duncan...

(Duncan and Keith???)

...because he is from a rich family and has a car. He is a pretty damn bad stereotype (asian guy who likes golf and is a bit of a nerd) but he's kind of funny. Jury still out here.

He agrees to lend the guys his car on one condition: he gets to hang out with them while they go on their little road trip to recruit the stripper.

Cut to the car journey where the guys sing along badly to classic rock. Nice.

AJ shows off the ad that's peaked his interest... The After Dark Club.

THAT IS A T SHIRT I NEED TO OWN NOW!

The club is on the nasty side of town. We know this because there is lots of neon and bins. While the three wait for the club to open they pop into a nearby diner. As soon as it gets dark the diner owner pulls on a HUGE crucifix and says he's shutting up shop.

But before he can an albino gang turn up.

That's right - AN ALBINO GANG.

FUCKING.

ACE.

They are well up to no good. This is obvious because Billy Drago is the leader. Billy Drago has never been a good guy in ANYTHING.

Lo and behold and soon he takes a dislike to Keith. Maybe it's the name.

He quickly pulls a knife and shit is about to get real... and then AJ RULES everything.

He starts off cool but when Snow (Drago) spills his drink, that.

is.

it!

AJ here does something BRILLIANT. He belts Snow, then proceeds to dance around with his lifeless body to Volare AND whoops the rest of the gang. Then he dips a napkin in the water, wipes his shirt and struts out.

BAD. ASS.

And into the After Dark Club. It's actually kind of realistic as far as strip clubs go!

Um, I imagine.

Anyway, it's ropy, but bless him, Duncan thinks this place is heaven. As AJ hits the bar to talk to the girls aboutr hiring a stripper for a private show, Duncan and Keith take a table. One of the waitresses gives them a wave... and my word is she cute (in a ditzy, girly, bubbly 80s kind of way). She walks over and introduces herself as Amaretto (not her real name... honest) and then says something or other about how Keith knows her from the past or something, but to be honest I didn't really pay much attention as I was still kind of stunned by her cuteness.

And now, introduced by the BRILLIANT Vic (think a swingers-style Vegas lounge lizard with aspirations of classiness) we have Katrina...

OH FUCK, IT'S GRACE JONES IN NEGATIVE!!!!!!

She does this bloody bizarre dance, all the while she is painted white, with a bright red wig, icy blue contacts and glow in the dark make up.

IT'S LIKE RONALD McDONALD CROSSDRESSING IN TRON!!!!!

This dance is mesmerising... and MENTAL. She kind of writhes on a plastic man/seat like a caged animal that wants to hump or kill whatever it can see. Maybe both.

When the dance finishes we get a hilarious reaction shot from all the guys in the club, made all the funnier by the fact I have the same open-mouthed look of slightly frightened confusion on my face.

Despite this, AJ is sold. He promptly heads backstage with one of the strippers to recruit Katrina. And there's Grace Jones. I know I've said this before but... SCARY.

Suddenly she's all over him. She takes off his shirt.

SHE LICKS HIS NIPS!

GRACE JONES JUST LICKED HIS NIPS!

THAT STORY WOULD HAVE BOUGHT HIM A DRINK FOR AT LEAST A DECADE!

Oh shit and now she's changed. The contacts and fangs and scary face... sweet jesus, this is one of the most terrifying vampires ever! And she breaks his arm! Mean and scary! Then rips his throat out!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Now we're stuck with Keith and Duncan!

Speaking of whom, finally these two spazmos FINALLY start to ask after AJ but get told, oh, he left with one of the girls or something. I'm not sure of the EXACT story because the wonderful Amaretto bounds back onto screen being all cute. Hi!

She looks backstage (and gets nowhere) while Keith searches too. All he sees is the enormous bouncer wheeling out an ominous cart. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Finally the lovely Amaretto suggests they go to the hotel where plenty of the strippers stay. Yes, sweety, whatever you say! Duncan is now hammered drunk and throwing money at the silicone-sporting slappers in the club. He is here for the night!

So the gorgeous Amaretto and Keith head outside andsomewhere along the way they have decided to dress even more 80s than they were. I did not know this was possible but holy shit, they found a way.It's like an explosion in a Madonna video. They head to the hotel. It's obviously meant to be a dive but compared to some of the places I've stayed when I've gone away on stag dos, it's actually ok.

Oh into the lift and out onto the corridor... BINS AGAIN! Ok, it's not so hot.

They split up to search but Keith ends up in the LIFT OF DEATH.

I'm not sure that was dramatic enough.

THE LIFT.

OF.

DEATH!

Better. Anyway he escapes, so it should probably be called the LIFT OF NEAR-DEATH, then argues with the charming Amaretto who STILL won't tell him how they know each other. What an idiot.

Then as he walks off being all huffy the albino gang return. Albinooooooooooooooooooh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

Needless to say that without AJ's badassery, he shits his pants and runs.
'Hey, why don't I hide in the sewer! That's a brilliant id... oh, they've locked me in. Fucksticks.'

Keith walks around in the cleanest, neon lit pipe ever only to come upon a drain. One of the albinobheads sees a little girl and decides to pick on her. WORST STREET GANG EVER.

But she suddenly flies at him and savages the shit out of him! HA HA HA. AWESOME!!!!

Eventually he gets out of the sewer but hides in a big wheelie bin.

(Riiiiiiiiiight...)

AJ's in there! He is not looking healthy. Or alive.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! And back into the club to collect Duncan (yeah, he's still in the film doing NOTHING) and the adorable Amaretto (sigh). Keith is midway through losing his shit when AJ walks in.

SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...?

When the police arrive (having been alerted by Keith at some point) they head to one of the backrooms, look at the walking talking AJ and, on leaving, tell Keith to stop being a prick.

But before he can get out of there we get a VAMPIRE STRIPPER! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

THAT IS WHAT WE NEEDED! TOPLESS BLOODSUCKING VAMPIRE STRI... oh.

Hang on. A seedy stripclub that serves as a feeding place for vampires lead by a cruel and powerful Queen who makes her first appearance doing a jawdropping dance?

From Dusk Til Dawn doesn't seem quite so original now.

Anyway, back to the undead boobies... and Keith kills her by staking her with her own high heel. Cool.

Keith pushes her body off... in time to see that AJ has turned too. But he still has some semblance of humanity and fights with his urge to rip Keith's head off and drink him like a bottle of lucosade. (I would by the way. It'd give me a straight run at the delicious Amaretto.)

AJ doesn't though. Lame.

Instead he self-stakes rather than become an undead blood-drinking monster.

Sissy.

Keith quickly flees, planning to grab the sweet Amaretto and Duncan, but Vic and the other vamps stop him. Oh shit, the whole club are vampires.

While she may be very cute and have a peachy little bottom, the adorable Amaretto is kind of a moron for not noticing that EVERY PERSON where she works is undead.

Before offing the heroes, Vic gives them a lovely speech about how the club is basically society's waste disposal and agrees to Keith's request for a final drink. Keith takes a bottle of brandy. Which he uses to set fire to the club. These vampires are even stupider than the spellbinding Amaretto.

Our heroes make a break for it and jump into Duncan's motor... only to realise that he's been turned too! UN-COOL! In a bit of silliness they crash their car (after it's rammed by more bad guys) and it bursts into flames, taking Duncan out. The best bit here is that while the car's spinning, Duncan whines 'Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys!' in the campest fashion possible.

Our heroes escape the wreckage... only to arrive in the midst of the full albino gang and a host of vampires...

I won't spoil any more, but I will say that Vamp has really dated... which somehow makes it even more enjoyable! The 80s feel really adds to the film, making it a product of its time that would feel so much less iconic today. The story really builds nicely and draws you in through the fact that there are so many likeable or interesting characters. The final few scenes ramp up the body count too, and the effects are scary enough to compliment the steady undercurrent of wit throughout the film.

Much like fellow 80s vampire classic Fright Night, Vamp has stood the test of time through sheer heart.

Well that and the scrumptious Amaretto's bra strap and Grace Jones.

But mainly heart.

HEY, I KNOW YOU: – ROBERT RUSLER – Unlike his fellow lead, Rusler carved out a decent career. He’s hit some telly highspots like Bones, 24, Babylon 5, Star Trek: Enterprise, Cold Case and Medium, but more importantly to us here in the House, he appeared in the direct to video sequel Amityville: A New Generation and A Nightmare on Elm Street 2. Excellent work.

GRACE JONES was the professional living embodiment of the 80s. That’s what her CV says. Model, singer (Pull Up To The Bumper), actress (A View To A Kill) and lunatic.

The delightful DEEDEE PFEIFFER is the younger sister of the far more successful Michelle. Strictly TV work on her CV. Shame.

BILLY DRAGO. Oh man, I LOVE this guy. If you needed a late 80s villain, lizard-eyed Billy was the MAN. He’s probably best remembered from The Untouchables, but he has some impressive horror credentials among his HUGE filmography, perhaps the best being his role as Papa Jupiter in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. HE RULES.

PSYCHOS DO NOT EXPLODE WHEN SUNLIGHT HITS THEM: It may not come as a surprise to learn that the villains in this film are vampires. I know, shocker, yeah?

The main villain, the queen of the Vampires, is Katrina, as played by the batshit mental Grace Jones. Now I never really got Grace Jones. Sure she’s certainly striking, but attractive? I always found her a little too scary.

THIS FILM DOES NOT CHANGE THAT ASSESSMENT.

She’s terrifying. Cold, aloof, cruel, powerful and for her opening dance she looks so bizarre I thought I might have eaten a mushroom before watching the film.

LOOK!

As for powers, well, the vampires are strong, fast and have fangs and pretty damn resilient to damage. Katrina aside, they’re quite human, especially the surprisingly loveable Vic who yearns for the ratpack years that he has left behind and AJ's conscience after his transformation.

The vampire make up is awesome btw. They look properly demonic. Superb.

BODY COUNT: 13

CREATIVE CARNAGE: We have a good decapitation and Grace Jones rips a servant girl's heart out.
I get the impression she does this to her P.As ALL THE TIME.

CLICHÉ CHECKLIST: FRAT HOUSES ARE FULL OF BOOZE AT ALL TIMES, ALL GANGS HAVE FLICK KNIVES, ALL STRIPPERS HAVE SILICONE IMPLANTS, 'I'll be back', CREEPY CHILD OF DEATH, 'HAVE A HEART... YOUR OWN!', BOOZE IS MORE DEADLY THAN NAPALM, CRASH AND BURN!, 'I'LL JUST LEAVE THESE CONVENIENT BARRELS OF FLAMMABLE LIQUID HERE...', DARK PLACES GLOW GREEN... OR PINK... OR RED...

DIALOL: VIC: 'Builder of major erections!'
VIC: 'She's not much upstairs, but what a staircase!'
VIC: 'Don't forget the umbrellas! See? CLASS!'
VIC: 'You know the rules - only the transients, the loners, the strays... the ones that can't be traced.'
KEITH: 'Testy? You wanna know why I'm testy? I'll tell you why I'm testy. Today I was nearly hung, I got into a fight with a psychotic albino, I met a human pincushion in the bathroom, I ate a cockroach, my best friend disappeared and then I'm nearly assassinated by a runaway elevator... I've had a bad day!'
AJ: 'I'm a fuckin' zombie now!'
AJ: 'Do I look like a mosquito?'
VIC: 'I would have loved to see Vegas... just once.'
AJ: 'Formica, go figure.'

10 WORD WRAP UP: Big, scary Grace Jones in silly, fun, 80s vampire romp

If you haven’t already, do please check out and like the Hickey’s House of Horrors Facebook page, which you can find here. It gives you a nice quick link to any new posts on this blog, plus regular news updates from around the web. I check the Internet so you don’t have to! Alternatively, follow me on twitter: The House@HickeysHorrors

Until next time, I hope you enjoyed your stay.

FROM THE CRYPT: THE BURNING

THE BURNING  (1981)

Dir: Tony Maylam

Starring: Brian Matthews, Leah Ayres, Brian Backer, Jason Alexander

I watched this Friday the 13th ripoff when I was pretty young and remember having a fair bit of fun with it when the group I watched it with all adopted a character to see if we'd survive.

In retrospect, this was not the most cool thing I have ever done.

Does this slasher still have what it takes to make me smile?

SUMMARY: The film opens with an eerie flashback. Well, I think it was meant to be eerie.

At the awesomely named Camp Blackfoot a bunch of 70s/early 80s kids with white guy fros and shorts that are far too tiny decide they have taken enough shit from the caretaker, Cropsy. Seems he's kind of a dick to the kids so they're going to show him what's what. Prank time!

One of them (wearing a superb Camp Blackfoot t shirt that I now want to own) tiptoes into the shack where a hammered pissed Cropsy is sleeping and lights something in a box. Yeah, you're telling him, tight-short crew!

He slips back out and all the kids bang on the window to rouse Cropsy from his drunken stupor. He slowly comes around and is greeted with... a maggoty rotting skull thing with candles in it!

WTF????

That is a bit beyond clingfilm over the khazi, dude.

Cropsy goes batshit, as you would, and knocks it over. His booze soaked shack and clothes go up in flames. The tiny-short crew leg it. Nice.

Cropsy is taken to hospital and a seriously pimpin' black orderly explains that Cropsy was burnt so badly it's a miracle he survived. He then invites a new doctor to come and gawp at Cropsy. PROFESSIONALISM.

As the superfly orderly refers to Cropsy as a Big Mac, I silently weep a little because I KNOW no other character will be as cool as this guy. The anticipation builds nicely as Dr Dolemite draws his D.I.S.COlleague closer to Cropsy... who grabs Shaft M.D. by the hand!

That jive turkey muthafucker!

At this point the orderly pulls a face which is a little less cool. I still feel you though, bro. In my head he leaves this scene and promptly works in every other horror film hospital in history. He would get on gangbusters with Budd in Halloween II!

Anyway from here we get some not at all derivative credits with a theme that sounds NOTHING like Halloween's. Oh no.

Anyway, despite his penchant for grabbing playahs, the docs let Cropsy out. Even though a voice over says he is hideously deformed on the outside and now homicidal with rage.
Um...
Cropsy gets out of hospital hiding under a big coat, hat and gloves... and promptly approaches a SERIOUSLY rough hooker. Hey, it's been 5 years, his wang now looks like the inside of a lava lamp, beggars can't be choosers.
The ropy old hooker shows lots of cleavage and leg. And smokes.

I'm sure she'll be fine.

Oh, then she sees his face and freaks out and tells Cropsy he is not getting any.
If a hooker says that to you, you'd probably feel pretty low.
Cropsy confirms this by butchering her with a pair of scissors and smashing her head through a window.

People in this film overreact A LOT.

Cut to a lovely tranquil lake and another summer camp - Camp Stonewater.
(So this takes place at a summercamp where a bunch of irritating teens are butchered by an inhuman killer. HOW original. Why did nobody else ever think of this great idea?)
There are lots of teens playing a wholesome game of what appears to be No Bra Baseball. This acts as an intro to our victims. Hey look, there's George Costanza from Seinfeld! He's young(er)! And slim(mer)! And he has (some) hair! YAY! The rest are pretty non-descript. There's the girl who will clearly survive, a skinny boy whose tiny shorts make me start to panic about what kind of film this is, a guy who's name should be Hero McSquarejoy, a slutty blonde and a dick called Glazer. He is kind of muscular and a total tit.
He rules.
Amongst this bustling hubbub of (non) character development Cropsy turns up.
And fails to kill someone.

Er, so he's a bit shit?

More character stuff. It's so mindnumbingly awful I start thinking about Superfly Orderly and Budd having a weekly medical procedural tv show. Kind of like House but with dopeass bitches. Yeeeeeah.

Oh, hang on, the slutty blonde is having a shower. And there are boobies. She has just got more naked than the hooker earlier. Life expectancy 0.000000000000021%.
Suddenly she catches WEIRD GUY ogling her.
'YOU PERVERT! HOW DARE YOU STARE AT MY NAKED BAPPAGES!!!!!!'
[Every man watching this film blushes]

Her indignant cries draw other people along. WEIRD GUY says he just planned to scare her. Yeah, that is some NORMAL behaviour right there. Hero McSquarejaw and the survivor girl have a bit of a tiff over whether they should kick him out. They don't.
My god, these teenagers are 35 if they're a day.
Meanwhile Glazer pounces on WEIRD GUY. Seems he has his sights on slutty blonde and he will whoop some booty if WEIRD GUY doesn't do one.
Glazer here does something BRILLIANT. After lambasting WEIRD GUY he gives him an alpha male Pec Flex of DOMINANCE that sends him skittering for the hills. Ha ha ha, Glazer, you're such a twat.
It seems George Costanza and his tiny shorted friends agree because a bit later they shoot Glazer up the jacksy with an airgun, then moon him.
There is a whole screen of manbutt and a couple of droopy nutsacks here. No wonder this film was banned.

That night WEIRD GUY sees Cropsy stalking around outside the cabins. One of the nameless fodder girls says she will sleep with the letchy fodder guy. NOBODY in the world gives half a shit about eiher of these developments.
Next day the, ahem, 'kids' go canoeing. They splash each other. FFS it's been 30 minutes since anybody died!!!!!!!!
Superfly Orderly and Budd wouldn't put up with this shit.

Ooooh, now we have a campfire! Hero McSquarejaw tells Cropsy's origin story. You know, for people that skipped the first chapter on the dvd because they're high-rolling jetsetters and time is money.
Finally those two that plan to shag nip off together and go skinny dipping. She kind of changes her mind at how pushy he's being and he spits his dummy like a total dirty sleazebag.
The girl storms off... but her clothes have gone!
Cut to a naked girl walking about in the woods. Hmmm, this was clearly made before razor companies invented ladyfuzz trimmers. That thing is like Tina Turner's head!!!!
Oh and then Cropsy cuts her throat with his KILLER SHEARS. About bloody time too. 45 minutes passed without a kill!

The next day the girl is missing (obviously) so everybody blames the sleazebag. He had that coming. They then notice that the canoes are gone and Survivor Girl and Hero McSquarejaw decide that nameless fodder girl took all of them.

Wha...??????

Rather than say that these two are fucking idiots, the other teens decide to build a raft to get back to the main camp. Once it's done, we get the sequence that lead to this film getting banned.
Some of the kids row the raft down the river and spot one of the canoes. They head over to it... and Cropsy jumps out to kill the shit out of them!
Tom Savini (THE GENIUS) did the effects for this scene and, fucking hell, is it gory. Body bits go flying, blood pumps everywhere, we get close ups of the shears slicing into flesh, the whole shebang.

This makes up for that 45 minutes of bollocks.
TOTALLY.

Meanwhile Hero takes some of the boys, including WEIRD GUY on a bit of a hike.
Finally Glazer and slutty girl get some jiggerypokery time. Go on my so..., oh, he went off halfcocked. Glazer, man! He feels a bit embarrassed but she doesn't mind so he runs off to get matches... CROPSY!
Byebye slutty girl! That was such a shock to me!
Glazer returns but WEIRD GUY follows because he is a PERV. Glazer approaches slutty girl's sleeping bag... but Cropsy jumps out! FUCKER! Then slams Glazer into tree with his inhuman psycho killer mega strength! FUCKER! And then pins Glazer to said tree by his throat!!! FUCKER! WEIRD GUY shits his tiny shorts so hard they stretch to full size ones and runs off to warn the others. FUC.. oh, wait, that's kind of sensible. Carry on.
WEIRD GUY wakes up Hero McSquarejaw and tells him what happened. Remembering WEIRD GUY's silliness re: a scary dude outside the cabin earlier (which I had already forgot about because it was SO BORING) Hero decides to investigate rather than believe WEIRD GUY. So Cropsy knocks him the fuck out. Since when did he do that shit? Cut his heroic jaw off or something!
WEIRD GUY legs it. Cropsy follows. In time Hero comes around and follows after them with a heroic axe.
Back at Camp Nonentity, the boring faceless, nameless kids find the raft and all the bits of their friends. Finally people start to realise that shit is amiss. They hop on the raft and skedaddle back to the camp. Survivor Girl does the most useless girly run in history as she grabs a mate, radios for help and jumps back into a motorboat to go back for Hero and Weird Guy.
But WEIRD GUY has been captured by Cropsy and taken into an abandoned mine while Hero McSquare jaw follows.

I won't give the ending away other to say that the final reveal of Cropsy's melty, Harry Redknappesque face is ace AND stupid all at once.
Much like this whole film. It's oddly compelling, but borrows so heavily from Halloween and (especially) Friday the 13th that you can't help but feel you've seen it all before. Plus that dead 45 minutes in the middle of the film is EXCRUCIATING.
Tom Savini's effects are pretty much the saving grace to this film. It's worth watching if only for those, especially during the gory Raft Massacre, which is (wait for it, wait for it...) SHEAR brilliance.

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA... oh, please yourselves.

Superfly Orderly would have loved that.

HEY, I KNOW YOU: JASON ALEXANDER - George Costanza. Seinfeld. Nuff said.

HOLLY HUNTER - Yes, THAT Holly Hunter plays one of the boring, faceless, personalityless dwellers of Camp Nonentity. I do not imagine her role in this film features too prominently on her CV...

EVIL ON TWO LEGS: Cropsy is your generic, hideously burnt, hardware toting psycho driven by homicidal rage. The level of characterisation for him is ABYSMAL.
He was a caretaker at Camp Blackfoot. He was mean to the kids. He was a drunk and would beat/harass certain campers. And one day they got angry at his shitty 'tude and accidentally burnt him. The extent of his injuries was so severe that it left him seriously disfigured and insane. So he heads to a neighbouring camp and starts taking his misplaced rage out on the teens with a pair of shears. 

Um, that's about it.

A little more interestingly, the name Cropsy seems to be a bastardisation of Cropsey, a name used for an urban legend bogeyman, most notably in Staten Island and up and down the Hudson Valley. The Cropsey Maniac (to give him his full name) is the equivalent of the man with a hook for a hand, the axe wielding maniac under the bed. There has even been an award-winning documentary produced on this urban legend.

However, I bet none of these versions look as awesome as THIS!

BODY COUNT: 10

CREATIVE CARNAGE: Two words.

RAFT. MASSACRE.

Tom Savini's amazing gore effects are on full display here! AWESOME!

CLICHÉ CHECKLIST: The WHOLE film.

Ok, I need to be more specific? Fine: 'Let's see whatcha got,' 25-YEAR-OLD TEENAGERS!, HEY, WE'RE THE FUN GUYS! CHECK OUT HOW MUCH WE LOVE TO CHECK OUT GIRLS!, SHOWERBOOBS!, 'Who's there?', 'I'm gonna tear you up so bad, your own mother won't recognise ya!', SO THIS IS WHAT THE KILLER SEES THEN..., 'I saw it! It was there!', EVERYBODY GATHER ROUND THE FIRE AND LISTEN TO THIS EXPOSITION,'You're crazy!', NUDITY = DEATH, SEX = DEATH, 'I'm coming right back', EVEN IF YOU RUN A WALKING BADGUY CAN CATCH YOU, ONLY MY OWN WEAPON CAN KILL ME... (or not), FLAMETHROWERS ARE COOL

DIALOL: Tiny Short Crew Leader: 'Tonight's the night that we scare shit out of Cropsy!'
SUPERFLY ORDERLY: 'After two months of working here, you'll start to feel like an old man. Guys like you won't last five minutes. Hey, there's this guy down the hall in the burn center I'd like you to see. After you see this guy, you'll never want to come back in here again. Man, this guy is so burned, he's cooked! A fucking Big Mac, overdone! You know what I mean? And, it's a miracle that he's still alive. If it was me, I'd prefer to be dead. No way I'd want to be this freak. He's a monster, man! I've been working here 10 years and I'm telling you, I've never seen anything like this. Come on in here, man. This is what you've got to see. This is where it's at!'
Slutty Blonde: 'He's a sexual pervert!'
HERO McSQUAREJAW: 'There used to be a camp not far from here, just across the lake. It was called Camp Blackfoot. No one goes there anymore. Everything burnt down. This camp had a caretaker, and his name was Cropsy. Now, this Cropsy was a drunkard... a sadist, and he got real pleasure out of hurting... scaring. And he had these garden shears. The kind with long, thin blades. He carried them all the time, wherever he went. And he had this kind of demonic way of looking at you. One time, Cropsy really went after this kid from Brooklyn, followed him around night and day. He made this kid's life a living hell. But this time, he chose the wrong guy, 'cause the kid and some of his buddies had planned a little prank. Only problem was, the gag went wrong. The next thing anybody knows, Cropsy's trapped alive and burning in his bunk. They try to get him out, but the fire's so fierce, they can't reach him. All they can do is stand outside and listen to him cry out in agony. They say his smashed his way through the bunkroom door in just a mass of flames. And as he burned alive, he cried out, "I will return! I will have my revenge!" They never found his body, but he survived. He lives on whatever he can catch. Eats them raw, alive. No longer human. Right now, he's out there. Watching, waiting. Don't look; he'll see you. Don't move; he'll hear you. Don't breathe; you're dead!'

10 WORD WRAP UP: Silly Friday the 13th clone with cool gore effects (eventually)

If you haven’t already, do please check out and like the Hickey’s House of Horrors Facebook page, which you can find here. It gives you a nice quick link to any new posts on this blog, plus regular news updates from around the web. I check the Internet so you don’t have to! Alternatively, follow me on twitter: The House@HickeysHorrors

Until next time, I hope you enjoyed your stay.