FROM THE CRYPT: VAMP

VAMP (1986)

Dir: Richard Wenk

Starring: Chris Makepeace, Robert Rusler, Deedee Pfeiffer, Grace Jones, Gedde Watanabe, Sandy Baron, Billy Drago

Another 80s cult classic, one which is SO 80s it should only be available on VHS with a free rubiks cube and a soundtrack by Duran Duran. Alas these last two points are not true. Thankfully, neither is the first, so I was able to sit down with the dvd this weekend. This is what happened inside my head as I did…

SUMMARY: So the film gets underway and the credits music is MELODRAMATIC. It's some sort of overwrought, Gregorian monk chant. I found myself thinking: 'What the fuck? This is a little over the top...'

10 seconds later...

'I LOVE THIS! YEEEEAAAAHHHH!' There are weird towers and monks and ominous dudes in robes and bells and shit. Two men are rushed into a chamber, nooses slipped about their necks and forced up onto a ledge. A robed figure steps forward and starts to deliver a portentous speech... and then the tape goes wrong. Ah ha ha ha! It's a Frat house hazing! Nice one.

After some poorly acted posturing I can only conclude that MY GOD, 80s jocks suck. The hideous shirts on display here are worth watching the film for alone.

After some lame wisecracking, the two heroes tell the assembled 80s muscleheads that they would be good for the Frat house because they would improve the quality of parties.

'How so?' asks the tragically-haircutted chief 80s Frat boy.

(I'm guessing either booze or naked chicks. Or maybe guns. EVERY single party in history is improved by the introduction of these things. Except maybe wakes... nah, even wakes.)

'We'll get a stripper!' says the louder, cockier, cool one, AJ.

(SEE!!! I TOLD YOU!!!! EVERY PARTY!!!!!!)

The more sensible, sensitive one, Keith...

(Keith? Seriously?)

...is not so keen, but he goes along with it anyway. That's a good wingman right there.

First point of call, Duncan...

(Duncan and Keith???)

...because he is from a rich family and has a car. He is a pretty damn bad stereotype (asian guy who likes golf and is a bit of a nerd) but he's kind of funny. Jury still out here.

He agrees to lend the guys his car on one condition: he gets to hang out with them while they go on their little road trip to recruit the stripper.

Cut to the car journey where the guys sing along badly to classic rock. Nice.

AJ shows off the ad that's peaked his interest... The After Dark Club.

THAT IS A T SHIRT I NEED TO OWN NOW!

The club is on the nasty side of town. We know this because there is lots of neon and bins. While the three wait for the club to open they pop into a nearby diner. As soon as it gets dark the diner owner pulls on a HUGE crucifix and says he's shutting up shop.

But before he can an albino gang turn up.

That's right - AN ALBINO GANG.

FUCKING.

ACE.

They are well up to no good. This is obvious because Billy Drago is the leader. Billy Drago has never been a good guy in ANYTHING.

Lo and behold and soon he takes a dislike to Keith. Maybe it's the name.

He quickly pulls a knife and shit is about to get real... and then AJ RULES everything.

He starts off cool but when Snow (Drago) spills his drink, that.

is.

it!

AJ here does something BRILLIANT. He belts Snow, then proceeds to dance around with his lifeless body to Volare AND whoops the rest of the gang. Then he dips a napkin in the water, wipes his shirt and struts out.

BAD. ASS.

And into the After Dark Club. It's actually kind of realistic as far as strip clubs go!

Um, I imagine.

Anyway, it's ropy, but bless him, Duncan thinks this place is heaven. As AJ hits the bar to talk to the girls aboutr hiring a stripper for a private show, Duncan and Keith take a table. One of the waitresses gives them a wave... and my word is she cute (in a ditzy, girly, bubbly 80s kind of way). She walks over and introduces herself as Amaretto (not her real name... honest) and then says something or other about how Keith knows her from the past or something, but to be honest I didn't really pay much attention as I was still kind of stunned by her cuteness.

And now, introduced by the BRILLIANT Vic (think a swingers-style Vegas lounge lizard with aspirations of classiness) we have Katrina...

OH FUCK, IT'S GRACE JONES IN NEGATIVE!!!!!!

She does this bloody bizarre dance, all the while she is painted white, with a bright red wig, icy blue contacts and glow in the dark make up.

IT'S LIKE RONALD McDONALD CROSSDRESSING IN TRON!!!!!

This dance is mesmerising... and MENTAL. She kind of writhes on a plastic man/seat like a caged animal that wants to hump or kill whatever it can see. Maybe both.

When the dance finishes we get a hilarious reaction shot from all the guys in the club, made all the funnier by the fact I have the same open-mouthed look of slightly frightened confusion on my face.

Despite this, AJ is sold. He promptly heads backstage with one of the strippers to recruit Katrina. And there's Grace Jones. I know I've said this before but... SCARY.

Suddenly she's all over him. She takes off his shirt.

SHE LICKS HIS NIPS!

GRACE JONES JUST LICKED HIS NIPS!

THAT STORY WOULD HAVE BOUGHT HIM A DRINK FOR AT LEAST A DECADE!

Oh shit and now she's changed. The contacts and fangs and scary face... sweet jesus, this is one of the most terrifying vampires ever! And she breaks his arm! Mean and scary! Then rips his throat out!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Now we're stuck with Keith and Duncan!

Speaking of whom, finally these two spazmos FINALLY start to ask after AJ but get told, oh, he left with one of the girls or something. I'm not sure of the EXACT story because the wonderful Amaretto bounds back onto screen being all cute. Hi!

She looks backstage (and gets nowhere) while Keith searches too. All he sees is the enormous bouncer wheeling out an ominous cart. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Finally the lovely Amaretto suggests they go to the hotel where plenty of the strippers stay. Yes, sweety, whatever you say! Duncan is now hammered drunk and throwing money at the silicone-sporting slappers in the club. He is here for the night!

So the gorgeous Amaretto and Keith head outside andsomewhere along the way they have decided to dress even more 80s than they were. I did not know this was possible but holy shit, they found a way.It's like an explosion in a Madonna video. They head to the hotel. It's obviously meant to be a dive but compared to some of the places I've stayed when I've gone away on stag dos, it's actually ok.

Oh into the lift and out onto the corridor... BINS AGAIN! Ok, it's not so hot.

They split up to search but Keith ends up in the LIFT OF DEATH.

I'm not sure that was dramatic enough.

THE LIFT.

OF.

DEATH!

Better. Anyway he escapes, so it should probably be called the LIFT OF NEAR-DEATH, then argues with the charming Amaretto who STILL won't tell him how they know each other. What an idiot.

Then as he walks off being all huffy the albino gang return. Albinooooooooooooooooooh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

Needless to say that without AJ's badassery, he shits his pants and runs.
'Hey, why don't I hide in the sewer! That's a brilliant id... oh, they've locked me in. Fucksticks.'

Keith walks around in the cleanest, neon lit pipe ever only to come upon a drain. One of the albinobheads sees a little girl and decides to pick on her. WORST STREET GANG EVER.

But she suddenly flies at him and savages the shit out of him! HA HA HA. AWESOME!!!!

Eventually he gets out of the sewer but hides in a big wheelie bin.

(Riiiiiiiiiight...)

AJ's in there! He is not looking healthy. Or alive.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! And back into the club to collect Duncan (yeah, he's still in the film doing NOTHING) and the adorable Amaretto (sigh). Keith is midway through losing his shit when AJ walks in.

SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...?

When the police arrive (having been alerted by Keith at some point) they head to one of the backrooms, look at the walking talking AJ and, on leaving, tell Keith to stop being a prick.

But before he can get out of there we get a VAMPIRE STRIPPER! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

THAT IS WHAT WE NEEDED! TOPLESS BLOODSUCKING VAMPIRE STRI... oh.

Hang on. A seedy stripclub that serves as a feeding place for vampires lead by a cruel and powerful Queen who makes her first appearance doing a jawdropping dance?

From Dusk Til Dawn doesn't seem quite so original now.

Anyway, back to the undead boobies... and Keith kills her by staking her with her own high heel. Cool.

Keith pushes her body off... in time to see that AJ has turned too. But he still has some semblance of humanity and fights with his urge to rip Keith's head off and drink him like a bottle of lucosade. (I would by the way. It'd give me a straight run at the delicious Amaretto.)

AJ doesn't though. Lame.

Instead he self-stakes rather than become an undead blood-drinking monster.

Sissy.

Keith quickly flees, planning to grab the sweet Amaretto and Duncan, but Vic and the other vamps stop him. Oh shit, the whole club are vampires.

While she may be very cute and have a peachy little bottom, the adorable Amaretto is kind of a moron for not noticing that EVERY PERSON where she works is undead.

Before offing the heroes, Vic gives them a lovely speech about how the club is basically society's waste disposal and agrees to Keith's request for a final drink. Keith takes a bottle of brandy. Which he uses to set fire to the club. These vampires are even stupider than the spellbinding Amaretto.

Our heroes make a break for it and jump into Duncan's motor... only to realise that he's been turned too! UN-COOL! In a bit of silliness they crash their car (after it's rammed by more bad guys) and it bursts into flames, taking Duncan out. The best bit here is that while the car's spinning, Duncan whines 'Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys!' in the campest fashion possible.

Our heroes escape the wreckage... only to arrive in the midst of the full albino gang and a host of vampires...

I won't spoil any more, but I will say that Vamp has really dated... which somehow makes it even more enjoyable! The 80s feel really adds to the film, making it a product of its time that would feel so much less iconic today. The story really builds nicely and draws you in through the fact that there are so many likeable or interesting characters. The final few scenes ramp up the body count too, and the effects are scary enough to compliment the steady undercurrent of wit throughout the film.

Much like fellow 80s vampire classic Fright Night, Vamp has stood the test of time through sheer heart.

Well that and the scrumptious Amaretto's bra strap and Grace Jones.

But mainly heart.

HEY, I KNOW YOU: – ROBERT RUSLER – Unlike his fellow lead, Rusler carved out a decent career. He’s hit some telly highspots like Bones, 24, Babylon 5, Star Trek: Enterprise, Cold Case and Medium, but more importantly to us here in the House, he appeared in the direct to video sequel Amityville: A New Generation and A Nightmare on Elm Street 2. Excellent work.

GRACE JONES was the professional living embodiment of the 80s. That’s what her CV says. Model, singer (Pull Up To The Bumper), actress (A View To A Kill) and lunatic.

The delightful DEEDEE PFEIFFER is the younger sister of the far more successful Michelle. Strictly TV work on her CV. Shame.

BILLY DRAGO. Oh man, I LOVE this guy. If you needed a late 80s villain, lizard-eyed Billy was the MAN. He’s probably best remembered from The Untouchables, but he has some impressive horror credentials among his HUGE filmography, perhaps the best being his role as Papa Jupiter in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. HE RULES.

PSYCHOS DO NOT EXPLODE WHEN SUNLIGHT HITS THEM: It may not come as a surprise to learn that the villains in this film are vampires. I know, shocker, yeah?

The main villain, the queen of the Vampires, is Katrina, as played by the batshit mental Grace Jones. Now I never really got Grace Jones. Sure she’s certainly striking, but attractive? I always found her a little too scary.

THIS FILM DOES NOT CHANGE THAT ASSESSMENT.

She’s terrifying. Cold, aloof, cruel, powerful and for her opening dance she looks so bizarre I thought I might have eaten a mushroom before watching the film.

LOOK!

As for powers, well, the vampires are strong, fast and have fangs and pretty damn resilient to damage. Katrina aside, they’re quite human, especially the surprisingly loveable Vic who yearns for the ratpack years that he has left behind and AJ's conscience after his transformation.

The vampire make up is awesome btw. They look properly demonic. Superb.

BODY COUNT: 13

CREATIVE CARNAGE: We have a good decapitation and Grace Jones rips a servant girl's heart out.
I get the impression she does this to her P.As ALL THE TIME.

CLICHÉ CHECKLIST: FRAT HOUSES ARE FULL OF BOOZE AT ALL TIMES, ALL GANGS HAVE FLICK KNIVES, ALL STRIPPERS HAVE SILICONE IMPLANTS, 'I'll be back', CREEPY CHILD OF DEATH, 'HAVE A HEART... YOUR OWN!', BOOZE IS MORE DEADLY THAN NAPALM, CRASH AND BURN!, 'I'LL JUST LEAVE THESE CONVENIENT BARRELS OF FLAMMABLE LIQUID HERE...', DARK PLACES GLOW GREEN... OR PINK... OR RED...

DIALOL: VIC: 'Builder of major erections!'
VIC: 'She's not much upstairs, but what a staircase!'
VIC: 'Don't forget the umbrellas! See? CLASS!'
VIC: 'You know the rules - only the transients, the loners, the strays... the ones that can't be traced.'
KEITH: 'Testy? You wanna know why I'm testy? I'll tell you why I'm testy. Today I was nearly hung, I got into a fight with a psychotic albino, I met a human pincushion in the bathroom, I ate a cockroach, my best friend disappeared and then I'm nearly assassinated by a runaway elevator... I've had a bad day!'
AJ: 'I'm a fuckin' zombie now!'
AJ: 'Do I look like a mosquito?'
VIC: 'I would have loved to see Vegas... just once.'
AJ: 'Formica, go figure.'

10 WORD WRAP UP: Big, scary Grace Jones in silly, fun, 80s vampire romp

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